


Finding the Phandom

by AmberIssues



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: AU, Complete, I wrote this a while ago on wattpad, M/M, No Character Death, Phan - Freeform, Self Harm, dap, i miss these tall nerds, not slow burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:06:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 42,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24598744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmberIssues/pseuds/AmberIssues
Summary: Phil Lester is a YouTuber who lives in London. He has a following of, just recently, 4 million people. He has been making a name for himself. He loves his job, but he is missing something.Dan Howell is a law school drop out from the University of Manchester. He has been doing YouTube since he graduated high school. He now does YouTube full time. He has a following of six million people. He still feels lonely.What happens if Dan and Phil never met in 2009? In a world where Dan and Phil aren't "Dan and Phil", will the phandom still ship them? Will fate intervene?
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 27
Kudos: 21





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I posted this on Wattpad, but figured I should move it over here because AO3 is infinitely better.

"Hello Laura. Hello Kennedy. Hello Joey. Hello Amber. Hello Becky. Hello Daniel. How are you all doing today?" The chat is swarmed with responses instantly. Filled with a variety of hellos, professions of love and admiration, and a series of different answers to his question. His eyes scramble to find a response to read out loud. "Jessica is crying because of University. Caroline is sleepy. Grace is zazzed. Thats a fun term. "Zazzed." I wonder where that term originated from. How does any slang term find a way to popularity?"

It was very easy for Phil to fall into his live show persona. This persona being very similar to his video one. Both of which are slightly more bright and family friendly than his normal personality. He took to waffling on for minutes at a time about a random topic mentioned in the chat. Starting on a tangent about how slang becomes common knowledge and finding purchase was a good way to start off a live show. After exhausting all possible trains of thought for that particular topic, he turns to the chat. The chat is primarily a stream of many different variations of "I love you Phil!" It is times like this that Phil turns to his predetermined list of topics that he always keeps open on his macbook.

Picking a random name off the top of his head, he says, "Janice says, 'Phil, talk about Vidcon!' Well Janice, I am going to Vidcon in America-" He says in his terrible American accent "- in June. I am currently not sure if I'll be able to go to any other conventions this year or not yet, because it is only January and I am not sure how family vacations will conflict with other conventions around the world. I will keep you updated as soon as I know anything about that," He turns to the chat, expecting to see many different exclamations demanding Phil go to a variety of different countries.

"Heres the thing guys, I love traveling. You all know that I take a yearly vacation with my family to Florida. I have always wanted to go to Japan, but it is no fun to travel alone. Maybe one of you guys should travel with me," He chuckles to himself, afraid of what some of his fans may do just to have that opportunity, "I'm just kidding about that guys. Someday, I'll find the right person to travel with, but for now, I will just travel with my family,"

Phil continues with his live show for another 40 minutes, when he finally decides to wrap it up. Before he ends his show this week, he decides to talk about one more subject, this time dictated by the chat. He glances at the chat reading the first coherent comment he can, "Levi says 'Phan for life!'" She spelled Fan with a PH. What is that about? Is that like fat with a PH? When was that popular? Was that, in like, 2003?" Phil chuckles to himself, marveling at how creative and wonderful his fans are.

He goes back to talking about popular slang and how a term becomes officially considered slang. He decides to pose an experiment. "Lets Urban Dictionary my name, shall we?" He opens a tab on his macbook and goes to Urban Dictionary's homepage. He types 'Phil Lester' into the search box and begins reading the first definition. "Actual ray of sunshine. He is known for being the nicest person on the planet and for appearing on YouTube as AmazingPhil. He is an actual angel. He has a smile of pure gold that radiates immense sunshine and happiness. He loves lions, mismatched socks, and his fans. There is so much more that I could say about him but I think this is probably too long, so, the last thing I would like to say is: Keep smiling, Phil. We love you for the sole reason that you're you. Never lose your adorable, innocent, immature, goofy personality. Never stop being you." He smiles to himself, he is so thankful for his fans, because without them, he would probably be a weatherman, which wouldn't be the worst thing, but he wouldn't be him.

"Thanks to whoever wrote that definition of me. I really appreciate it. That kinda gives me a cheeky idea for my new AmazingPhil video. You will all just have to wait and see." Phil winks at the webcam, fully expecting there to be plenty of gifs of that on Tumblr later today. "Goodbye Sarah. Goodbye Jenny. Goodbye Levi. Goodbye Hannah. Goodbye Lacey. Goodbye." He moves his face toward the camera and covers the webcam with his hands, while he ends the stream.

Phil Lester has been a YouTube "sensation" since he hit one million subscribers in 2013 and received his golden play button from YouTube. His popularity has only grown since then. Before this point, Phil had been on YouTube since 2006, his first video was filmed on a black and white webcam that he had won from a cereal box prize. He never quit YouTube, although it took him a while to find his footing, he did. And he couldn't be happier.

Or maybe he could be. One thing many people wouldn't know about Phil is this, Phil is lonely. Sure he had 4 million subscribers, sure every time he goes outside he gets stopped by a fan, sure he smiles in every one of his videos, but he isn't happy. Not really. What good is a life of fame if all you ever do is sit at home and watch anime alone.

The thing is, now anyone he meets would just be using him as a way to use his popularity. Anyone he meets is a crazy fan, over the age of 50, under the age of 18, or only want to associate with him because of his money and spotlight. Any friendship Phil has tried to make since 2009 has failed miserably. Phil doesn't know why all of these haven't worked out, but they haven't. Fate, destiny, luck? Who knows. But it seems all of these pieces of the universe are completely against Phil finding true companionship.

Phil closes his laptop and stalks his way to his kitchen. He lives in a crappy little flat with one bedroom, one bathroom, and a small kitchen that doubles as a living room. He microwaves some popcorn and returns to his living space. He sets the popcorn on the coffee table while he places his season one Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVD in the Xbox One. He returns to his popcorn and his sofa crease and clicks play. The chuckles at the familiar scene of his favorite show and falls into his similar routine: watch TV till he gets tired, pausing occasionally to pee or refill his Ribena.

When he finally gets tired, it is almost four in the morning and he has watched 6 episodes of Buffy. He clambers his way to his bedroom and practically collapses onto his blue and green checkered duvet. He peels his pants and shirt off, and crawls under the covers, wearing only his underwear. He removes his glasses from his face, having exchanged his contacts for glasses around midnight, and closes his eyes. He is asleep within minutes, dreaming of Buffy and popcorn and friendship.

~

When Phil woke up the next morning he was prepared for a barrage of notifications, as what usually happens following a video upload or a live show. He spent about half an hour scrolling through his twitter mentions, retweeting a drawing a fan did of him in the Ready Player One universe, which we rather enjoyed. 

He looks at his calendar, it is Friday, which means he hasn't uploaded a video for 10 days. He has had two live shows since then, but the fans get antsy if he goes more than two weeks without a main channel video. He will have to upload a new video this weekend, in order to avoid the shit storm that is likely to begin at any moment. 

Phil types up a quick tweet to his followers, "Filming a new vid today. Keep your eyes open for that this weekend." He threw in the cactus, the molester moon, the video camera, and the laptop emojis to the end of his tweet. Almost as soon as he hit the send button he was bombarded with @replies. Most of them questioning what he was doing for his new video. One person asked for an emoji hint. He replied with an emoji of a rainbow. He wasn't sure how he was going to work that into the video, but he would figure it out. 

Phil made himself breakfast, frosties and coffee, before beginning his newest video. The cheeky idea he had involved taking internet quizzes about himself and other YouTubers. It would be a lighthearted fun video to keep his fans appeased while he came up with something else he could do as a more serious and creative thing. 

After he finishes his breakfast he puts on a pair of black skinny jeans, and a black jumper with a rainbow dove on the chest. As a way to incorporate his emoji hint into his video. He had a glance at Tumblr earlier and apparently all of his fans got the wrong idea from his hint. They had all assumed he would be coming out. He had answered on formspring way back in 2009 that he was bi, but most often, people forget about that, which he is okay with. Mostly because he has not had a boyfriend or girlfriend in years. 

He sets up his camera, facing his bed as always. He clicks record and begins his video with a "Hey Guys." He raises his left hand in a half wave toward the camera. He falls into his persona instantly, starting off with an update on how his most recent house plant is living. Phil is in his element when he is in front of a camera, it took him a while to get there, but over the last 10 years, he has really found his own. His degree at university definitely helps with his editing. 

When he finishes his plant update, he moves on to the main content of his video. He starts with an AmazingPhil trivia quiz too see how accurate these quizzes are. He was surprised by how many intimate details people know about his life. He got every one right, then he moved on to another quiz about himself, this one being "What percent Phil Lester are you?" He actually only got 75% causing him to question what the other 25% is. Making a joke about him being part alien. He settles on his last quiz for the day. "Who is your YouTuber BFF? Lets see what this has to say, shall we? I'm going to laugh if it says me."

He beings the quiz with answering a few simple questions like 'What is the most important quality in a friend?', 'Where would you and your friend hang out?', 'Would you live with them?', 'Where would you live with them?', and many more along these levels. He answered as honestly as possible, truly curious to see what the results may be. After answering a few more questions he was given his answer.

"Your YouTuber BFF is Dan Howell aka danisnotonfire. Dan is an absolute meme-loving fuck." He chuckles, and makes a note in his brain to bleep that out. "He is meme trash, spends most of his time on tumblr, is an Internet cult leader, is a sarcastic little piece of shit, but also one of the best human beings ever. He uploads youtube videos which usually revolve around his awkward experiences in life which he re-enacts and uploads to his youtube channel. You and Dan have a similar sense of humor. You're looking for a kind of laid back person who still likes to have fun? Dan Howell is your guy." He closes his laptop with a laugh. "Well there you have it guys, Dan Howell is my YouTube BFF, and there is nothing he can do about it! Mwahahahaha," He rubs his hands together maniacally and busts out laughing. "Sorry about that Dan, I didn't mean to sound evil just then." He laughs and smiles that smile that all his fans love. The one where he sticks his tongue out of the side of his mouth. 

"Thats all for today's video. If you liked it go ahead and tickle that like button and you will win a baby sloth! Goodbye," He says with an exaggerated drawn out bye and covers the camera lens with his hands. That video went better than he thought, and it will be very easy to edit. All he has to do is lay the camera footage and the screen capture footage next to each other and remove an awkward silence here and there. 

His video is ready to be rendered within two hours and once YouTube has rendered the video he is ready to upload it. First, he has to name it and create a thumbnail. He creates a thumbnail with Dan Howell's photo next to his face, with him looking quizzically towards it. He names the video "MY YOUTUBER BFF: Phil takes quizzes about himself." He prepares his different links and social media posts and hits send. 

He then folds himself into his sofa crease to resume the Buffy The Vampire Slayer marathon he started yesterday. He stays here for the rest of the day.


	2. Chapter 2

Dan Howell was never known for being a stalker. He was never known to watch every video a fellow YouTuber uploaded, almost immediately. He was not known to reblog fanart of his favorite internet stars. He was not known for being a "fangirl." Thats because he was really good at hiding it.

Dan has always been a fan of YouTube. He has always spent endless hours on the internet watching other people live their lives. It started with a few, and multiplied over time. His interests developed and his love for some things grew while others diminished. Over time, he got better at hiding his nerdy and obsessive side. He never wore their merch outside of his house, and he kept the talking about them to a minimum. Only mentioning someone when a fan brought them up first. He used secret side accounts for Twitter, Tumblr, and YouNow. He has kept a tight leash on himself lately.

Over the years his favorite YouTubers have come and gone. Constantly altering as he changes and as they, themselves, change. Dan has always had one constant: AmazingPhil. Phil Lester has been his favorite YouTuber since 2006, when Dan was only 15 years old. Phil was 19 years old when Dan started watching his videos, and he found the older boy extremely fascinating.

Dan spent endless amounts of time watching his videos and tweeting at Phil trying to get his attention. Phil never seemed to notice. Dan still reads all of his tweets, watches all of his videos, and even follows some fan pages on Tumblr. He does all of these things on his secret side accounts. He knew as soon as he started gaining popularity, after starting his own YouTube channel in 2009, he would have to put a cap on his fangirling.

He woke at midday, around noon, and started his day. He pulled on a jumper, black with long sleeves and a weird zipper that connects his shoulder blades, and a pair of black skinny jeans. He ate a belated breakfast, a bowl of crunchy nut. He placed the half empty box of cereal down on the counter, he had been working his way through this same box for two weeks now. He sat on his crappy sofa, a crease formed in the cushion in the shape of his spine, while he ate his breakfast. His phone pinged with a notification, AmazingPhil tweeted, "Filming a new vid today. Keep your eyes open for that this weekend." He added an adorable cactus emoji onto the end. He liked the tweet from his danisnotonfire account, its no surprise to his hardcore fans that he likes Phil's videos, but none of them know to what extent.

Dan pulls up his own YouTube account, he hasn't uploaded in a month, and he hasn't had a spark of inspiration for his newest video yet. His fans are pretty accustomed to him going long periods of time without uploading, being soothed by his weekly live shows, but they do begin to get restless in the comments after a few weeks of no new main channel content. The comments on his content become a frightening place after a while, so Dan stops reading them after a couple days. He plans to spend his day thinking of different ideas, attempting to find that spark of inspiration he needs to get his ass in gear and record a video.

He finishes off his cereal and assumes his inspiration position, which is very similar to his existential crisis position. Face down on the floor, the only real difference is that when he is contemplating existence, nothing and no body can pull him out of it. When he is planning a video he will have Muse playing in the background and his macbook on the floor in front of him, typically with a blanket thrown over him. The only downside to all of this, is that seeking inspiration, typically leads to an existential crisis.

Dan has what is considered Existential Crisis Depression. This is defined as having many moments at which an individual questions the very foundations of their life: whether this life has any meaning, purpose, or value. Dan had his first existential crisis after his first year at uni. He was sitting in his dorm room, preparing for the resit of an exam he had to take in order to begin his second year of law school. He was surrounded by law text books, study materials, syllabi, and a list of exams that he is required to take the following year. His mind was bombarded with a vortex of unfulfilled dreams, questioning what he is doing with his life, and was suddenly struck with a realization. Law was boring as fuck.

He hated law. Why was he studying law? If he continued to study law, he felt like he would have not only wasted a few years studying something he wasn't interested in, but he would also be condemning himself to a life of boredom. So he made a decision. He dropped out of uni. After laying on the floor for a good 3 hours, he marched his way to the headmasters office and signed the necessary papers, and he packed up his things from his accommodation, and he left.

What he hadn't considered was where he was going to go. He had made very few friends at university, considering almost all law students at The University of Manchester were complete twats, he was not in contact with any of his old "friends" from high school, who weren't that good of friends to begin with, and he was sure his family wouldn't be very supportive of his dropping out of uni. But desperate times call for desperate measures. So he went home.

Dan arrived in Workingham without informing his parents he was returning home. He felt that it would all go over better if he was able to tell them in person. He had a plan, but he doubted his parents would be super supportive of him dropping out of uni to pursue YouTube full time. At this point, he had been making YouTube videos for two years, and he was content to do just that. He wanted to see what might happen if he devoted himself to YouTube, but to do that, he would have to have the support of his family.

His brother answered the door, Adrian Howell was shocked to see his older brother at the door, and was even more shocked when he heard the whole story as to why. Dan's parents were equally shocked and not very supportive. His parents reamed into him that evening, yelling about money and scholarships and wasting his life and their money on tuition. Adrian listened from the other room, hearing the screaming of his parents toward his brother. He was unable to do anything to rescue his brother from his parents, so he tried to block it out. That night, Adrian tried to comfort Dan, but Dan refused to be comforted. He tried a few more times as the days went on, but every time Dan pushed him away. Eventually Adrian stopped trying.

Dan's relationship with his parents and brother was strained, but they all left each other alone. Dan devoted all of his time to being alone, or making videos. When he hit one million subscribers in 2013, he was making just enough money to move into his own crappy flat and leave the family stress behind.

He fell deeper into this misery in mid 2013, when his fans crossed a line. Someone found Adrian's Tumblr and decided to harass his 15 year old brother. His fans bombarded Adrian with questions about Dan, demanding information about Dan, and refusing to leave Adrian alone. Dan was outraged, Adrian was livid. Adrian removed all of his social media from the internet because of this. This was the last straw for their relationship, and it was the last straw of Dan's mental stability.

His depression only worsened since then, he spends most of his time alone, he rarely left his flat. He doesn't eat much, and when he does it is because he forces himself. His mind is constantly filled with sadness and doubt. Terrible thoughts swarm his brain most nights after turning off his screens. He has terrible insomnia, and doesn't sleep well. When he does sleep it is extremely restless.

The only solace Dan has from these thoughts are when he releases the pressure and lets all the terrible thoughts out, letting relief wash over him for just a few moments. He also finds sanity in those few moments of adrenaline when he uploads a new video. Or when Phil uploads a new video. He spends any given day scrolling through Tumblr, planning a video, watching other people on YouTube, and thinking about the inevitability of death.

~

Dan has been laying on the floor for 3 hours without making any progress toward his new video. His phone has been blowing up for hours, he is not sure what caused this social media shit storm that was making itself present on his Twitter feed. He ignores his phone for another half an hour before the need to pee overwhelms his desire to not move.

He shakily stands up, trying to regain his composure as he hadn't used his legs in almost 4 hours. He grabs his black iPhone off the floor and heads to his cubicle of a bathroom. He checks his notifications on his way and stops in his tracks. He had hundreds of thousands of notifications from Twitter, all of which were demanding he watch AmazingPhil's new video. He goes to his YouTube app and has endless tags there as well, he ignores all of them though. He clicks on his subscription page and sees that AmazingPhil has uploaded a new video, "MY YOUTUBER BFF: Phil takes quizzes about himself." His heart stopped at the thumbnail. Dan's face. His fucking face. Photoshopped next to Phil, was a small Dan face.

His need to pee forgotten, Dan sat on the floor where he was previously standing and opened the video. He watched the whole thing with a small smile on his face. When Phil started the YouTube BFF quiz, Dan was waiting in anticipation for his name to come up. He knew he was involved somehow, but he didn't know where he would come up. When Phil's results were revealed Dan's breath hitched. This quiz decided that he was Phil's YouTuber BFF, and Phil seemed to find it funny. Phil even made a joke about Dan being stuck with him. Dan locked his phone and sat in silence for a few minutes. His heart and mind racing.

He knew what he was going to do for his next video, and he was very excited to film it. He was waiting for his inspiration to come, and he got it. Courtesy of Philip Michael Lester. He got up, changed his clothes, and set up his camera. He smiled at the camera with a "Hello Internet." Suddenly remembering he still hadn't gone pee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading this! I really hope you like it!
> 
> I have had to change some details of their lives, since Dan and Phil are so intwined with one another, so please know that the inaccuracies in their histories are on purpose due to the change in the story.
> 
> Also, I personally have nothing against Law Students. Not all Law students are twats. I just threw that in to make a point about Dan. Please don't hate me.


	3. Chapter 3

Phil was shocked. He had seen an overwhelming response to his most recent video. So many comments and @replies on Twitter. Dan's name and tag coming up more times than he could begin to count. danisnotonfire is becoming a common name on his feed, and Phil had never even seen one of his videos. He was most surprised to see the sheer number of people demanding Phil watch Dan's newest video, uploaded late last night, this morning technically.

Phil tells himself he will watch the video later. But for now, he had just woken up. He hadn't even gotten out of bed or put in his contacts yet. He stretched his extremely tall frame and rolled his way out of bed, haphazardly throwing his duvet back onto his bed, not bothering to make it look neat, since he wasn't planning on filming any new videos today. He grabs a pair of black skinny jeans, a white t-shirt, and a bright green button up, and heads to the bathroom. He showers quickly, not wanting to dawdle in the bathroom since it was so small the humidity made it unbearable after he gets out of the shower, and the hot water doesn't last that long anyways.

After his shower, he blow drys his ebony hair and straightens out a kink or two. He puts in his contacts and places his glasses in their case, ensuring they would be there when he was getting ready for bed that night. Lastly, he brushes his teeth and gargles some mouthwash before he sets out to start his day. He was having Tesco delivered this morning so he has to wait for them to come by, and then he planned to go out. He wasn't sure where exactly, but he wanted to leave his tiny flat for a little while today.

He debated texting Chris and PJ to see if either of them wanted to hang out for the day, but decided against it. Chris and PJ weren't on the best of terms as of late and when they fell out with each other, Phil got lost in the shuffle. He wasn't sure why, but neither one really went out of their way to see Phil anymore. Phil thinks it may be because they all had a lot of memories together, that being around Phil tended to dredge up old feelings that they didn't want to feel.

So Phil decided he would take a walk. Maybe go to Starbucks. Or that Bubble Tea place he has heard a lot about. He would just kind of see where the day took him. Tesco was supposed to arrive around 11:30, and it was currently only 10:45. So he had about 45 minutes to waste before he could go out. So he decided to see what all the fuss was about on social media. He opens up his Twitter and sees hundreds of @replies telling him to watch Dan's video. So he decides he will.

Phil opens up his YouTube app on his phone, and types in 'danisnotonfire' into the search bar. Dan Howell's channel came up immediately, his straight brown hair and brown eyes greeting him with a sad smirk. He clicks on the channel and is instantly drawn by his subscriber count, he has 6.3 million subscribers. Phil had a small pang of jealousy in his chest, but brushes it off. He knows that if Dan has that many subscribers then he has earned them.

Phil's thumb flicks to the About page on this channel, reading his description of himself. "hello i'm dan and i make videos about how awkward i am and people laugh at me" There was zero capitalization and punctuation in the description. He chuckles as he sees that Dan calls his channel the "INTERNET SUPPORT GROUP", which was the only thing on the whole page that was capitalized. It appears this is a common trend with Dan, if he can tell anything from his community tab. In all of his thumbnails Dan looks so sad. Maybe it's just his resting face? Like resting bitch face, but with sadness?

Phil goes to Dan's video page and sees the thumbnail and title. Phil's own face is included in the thumbnail, and the video is titled "FOLLOWING A TREND: Dan takes quizzes about himself." Phil didn't know what he was expecting, but it wasn't this.He wasn't expecting Dan Howell to, not only see his video, but also like it so much that he copied the idea behind it. Phil looks at the picture of the brown hair, brown eyed boy and is shocked by a feeling in his chest, unlike any feeling he has felt in a long time. He pushes the feeling away, sure that it was nothing, and clicks play.

"Hello internet." Dan waves at the camera with two fingers of his left hand. "I would personally like to thank Phil Lester, AmazingPhil, for the social media shit storm that has hit my feeds over the last 24 hours." Dan has photoshopped many different screenshots of Twitter mentions screaming about Phil's video. This goes on for pages, moving so quickly that Phil can only see certain words, but it is obvious they are revolve around Phil. "Since there was such an overwhelming number of people who are fans of both of us, I decided to follow the lead of our special little snowflake, and I am going to take some internet quizzes about myself." He gives a small nod, "This is going to be a disaster."

Dan started by taking a quiz very similar to one Phil took, "What percent Dan Howell are you?" He got 100% and the quiz even said something along the lines of "Only the real Dan Howell could have answered like that." Phil laughed at the witty remarks that Dan made, he was interested to learn some of the things he learned about Dan as well. He learned that he was a Law School dropout, that he is 6'3", and that three of his YouTube videos have been removed for being too inappropriate. Phil watched along while Dan cringed at some of the old references made, even explaining how if he were to cringe anymore, his neck might snap off. When Dan made it to his last quiz of the video, he looked to the camera.

"I am going to end this video with the same quiz Phil ended his with. Who is your YouTuber BFF? This is the real test, Phil. Are Phil and I destined to be best friends? Who knows. Lets find out." He started the quiz of very similarly to Phil, answering most of the questions the same way, explaining his reasoning behind a few of them. When it came to the last question, Phil was shocked to see that Dan had answered every question the same way that Phil had. Phil knew that Dan was going to end the quiz and be given the same result Phil had, Dan was going to be matched with himself, and Phil pushed away a small feeling of disappointment.

He didn't know why he was disappointed, since he had just noticed Dan for the first time yesterday, and since this was the first time he had ever even heard his voice, let alone seen a video he made. Dan answered the final question the same way Phil had, taking the whole quiz the exact same way. Phil's jaw dropped open at the result. He had expected to see Dan's face on the monitor, but was met with his own. Phil fucking Lester. He couldn't believe it, there was no possible way that the quiz could have two different people for the same set of answers. But there must have been a mistake.

Phil was about ready to lock his phone and move on, when his eyes latched onto something new. Dan had a huge smile on his face. This smile had not appeared in this video before, but Phil couldn't stop looking at Dan's face. Phil paused the video on his smile. Letting myself admire the way Dan's eyes crinkle up when he laughs. And, good god, Dan has dimples. He has two very deep dimples, one on each side of his delicate and chapped mouth. The one on Dan's left side was deeper than the other, deep enough a hand could get lost in it. The dimple on Dan's right side, wasn't as deep, but when his dimple appeared, the two freckles that also resided on Dan's face made his dimple look sad. And if it wasn't the funniest thing Phil had seen in ages.

Phil, having realized he hadn't heard Dan's response to the quiz before pausing the video due to his being blinded by the sheer force that is Dan Howell's smile, he resumes the video and backs up about ten seconds to when that smile first made its appearance. Phil let himself watch the way his sad dimple frowned when Dan, himself, smiled. Making sure to be listening to Dan's response this time. "Well, you heard it here folks. Phil and I are officially BFFL's. No refunds, no exchanges." He chuckles and winks at the camera. Phil's stomach did a flip, which he had never, not in his entire thirty years on earth, experienced. "If you liked my video go ahead and give it a thumbs up, to see Phil's video click in that box over there, and if you want to see more of me, check out my channel and click subscribe down there." Dan gave one more big, honest smile, and the video ended.

The next video began playing before Phil could even comprehend what was happening, and Phil ended up watching Dan's videos, sat on his couch, until Tesco arrived. After Phil put away his groceries he put on his shoes, black converse, and grabbed a phone charger to put in his pocket. He grabbed his headphones and walked out the door. He made it halfway out of the building before he remembered he didn't have his keys and he had to turn back. Keys now in hand, headphones in his ears, he began his walk to Starbucks. On his walk he listened to music, Muse, of course. When he arrived at his destination, he ordered a Caramel Macchiato and sat down on the sofa in the corner of the room.

He was scrolling through Facebook, allowing himself to not think for a few minutes. The barista called his name, and he retrieved his drink. The side of the glass said "Phyl," he chuckled and snapped a quick photo to tweet. He captioned "How can someone get the name Phil wrong? It's only four letters!?!" He sent it out and went back to scrolling through Facebook. He mindlessly scrolled for about ten minutes before he got bored. Before he knew what he was doing, he was closing Facebook, opening YouTube, and typing "danisnotonfire" into the search bar. He clicked Dan's channel and scrolled all the way down to his first video, "Hello Internet." Phil laughed as Dan slowly made his way onto the screen, and has he uttered the words that still haunt Dan to this day.

Before Phil knew it, hours had passed. He had watched video after video on his phone, YouTube autoplaying the next video after the previous one ended. Phil knew he needed to go home, but he was enjoying himself. So Phil did the only logical thing. He ordered another Caramel Macchiato, and clicked play on another video. He had clicked subscribe at some point in the hours to follow, but Phil couldn't tell you when he had.


	4. Chapter 4

Dan's phone pinged with a notification, his phone had just refreshed his subscriber count. His phone notifies him every hour if he has gained any new subscribers. He glances at his phone, he has gained five new subscribers today, but only one in the last hour. He swipes his notification and unlocks his phone, just trying to clear his notifications. Usually he doesn't look at who subscribes to him, since he has over six million subscribers. He double clicked his home button but before he swiped up, he swears he had a stroke. 

He reopens YouTube and is dumbstruck. "One new subscriber: AmazingPhil." He stares at his phone in silence, his mouth hanging open. He didn't know what he was expecting to come from his video, but he certainly wasn't expecting Phil to see it. Or to subscribe to him. Dan had to take a breath. He was incredibly happy, but also terrified. Phil was his favorite YouTuber of all time, he has been looking up to his for years, watching his videos and honestly, helping shape him into who he is today. 

Phil was the person Dan looked to when he needed an escape, and when he needed to smile or laugh. He had saved his life many times over the years, through videos, live shows, and tweets. And now he was subscribed to Dan. What was he going to do? He wanted to acknowledge it, but he didn't want to show how much it meant to him. He wanted to reach out to Phil, but he didn't want to scare him off. His head was swimming with thoughts and emotions, it was becoming too much to handle. So Dan had to let it out. 

~

Phil had fallen asleep watching YouTube last night. To be honest, Phil hadn't done much of anything yesterday. He spent all day watching Dan's videos. He started back with his oldest videos and watched in chronological order, watching Dan grow up. Watching Dan's confidence grow, his editing skills increase, his content take form, and he watched how Dan had changed. He noticed little things, as he watched years of footage right after another. Dan always wore long sleeve shirts, always wore all black, and he almost always had straight hair. There were a few exceptions to the hair thing though, as Dan had posted a few videos over the years of him with "Hobbit Hair," though those were few and far between. Phil personally really liked his Hobbit Hair, he had one very prominent curl that fell on his forehead in just the right way.

Dan was a very attractive person to Phil, there was something about his tall, slim form, and the his chestnut brown hair and chocolate brown eyes. And god help him, Phil was obsessed with Dan's dimples, as was most of Dan's audience, it seemed. Phil can feel himself becoming addicted to Dan's videos, he is becoming a huge fan who may even resort to fangirling if he doesn't figure out how to contain it. This only increased when Phil stumbled upon Dan's Tumblr tag. He started scrolling through endless screenshots of Dan. Dan smiling, Dan laughing, Dan making jokes, Dan being sarcastic. He scrolled through the Most Popular section first and remained there for a while. When he switched to the Most Recent he was blown away.

He was everywhere. Fanart of him and Dan, screenshots of his latest video, screenshots of Dan's latest video, Fanfics of him and Dan. It was everywhere. Apparently, him and Dan had a similar fanbase, which didn't surprise him too much, since he and Dan had similar interests, from what he had seen. He scrolled through the posts for a while, before finding a rather explicit drawing, and decided he had seen enough for the time being. Phil decided to turn to Twitter. He opened his Twitter to see infinite mentions. 

He scrolls through a few of the mentions, seeing so many people tagging him in miscellaneous fanart, photos of small animals, and lions. He retweets a gif of a hedgehog sleeping, then decides to check out Dan's Twitter. He types danisnotonfire into the box, and his profile comes up immediately. He has 4.9 million followers, but that isn't what causes Phil's jaw to drop. Right next to his Twitter handle was a little grey box. "Follows you." How long has Dan been following Phil? Was that a recent development? Phil clicks the follow button. He thinks he needs a coffee. 

He is halfway through his coffee when he makes a decision. He has the direct message typed before he can change his mind. He hits send.

~

Dan is dead. His heart has stopped beating. This is the end of Daniel James Howell. Phil Lester, Philip Michael Lester, has followed him on Twitter. He stares at the notification, not knowing how to react. His idol, has followed him. He is staring at his phone, unsure if he should acknowledge this news. Before he can make that decision, he gets another notification. 

"Message from @AmazingPhil: So, it looks like we are gaining a following together." Dan feels like he is going to throw up. How the hell is he supposed to respond to that without being obvious that he is nervous. His mind isn't working properly, if it was it wouldn't be repeating the same shitty monologue of "Holy fuck. Holy fuck. Holy fuck." Over and over again. He doesn't open the message, because he knows that once he does, Phil will know he did. Dan needs to calm his mind down, he can't be expected not to make a fool out of himself with his mind freaking out like it is. So Dan does what he always does when his brain goes into overdrive. 

With Dan's mind calming down as he finds his release, he decides he is ready to respond. He opened his Twitter, seeing that the message was sent, now, ten minutes ago. He spent three minutes typing and deleting his reply, trying to make it perfect. He settled for something subtle, something casual. "it appears that youre right i think they are calling us phan" No punctuation, or capitalization as usual. He hits send and tries to focus on something that isn't the fact that he just made contact with his favorite person on the planet. 

Phil's reply was almost instant, as though he was just as excited to talk to Dan as Dan was Phil. Phil's response was simple, "Ohhh! That's what that means! Phan = Phil and Dan! That makes sense." He must be remembering his live show where someone had proudly announced "Phan for life!" Dan hadn't known the reference at the time, but did some simple Tumblr research and discovered that, apparently, people thought he and Phil would make good friends. 

Dan quickly typed a reply, his speech coming easy. "well phil what brings you to the internet support group" He didn't lock his phone, or even close out of the messages before Phil responded. 

"I don't really know, I guess I just noticed you had already been following me on Twitter, so I was curious about that." Dan didn't know how to say that he has been following Phil since he joined Twitter in 2009. 

He decided just to be honest and he typed out a quick and simple, "yeah ive been following you since i got a twitter back in 2009" He was nervous to see Phil's reply, considering back in 2009 he had constantly tweeted at Phil in an attempt to get Phil to notice him. 

Phil's reply came quick as usual, "Really? Have you been watching my videos since then?" If Dan was going to do this, he was going to do it right.

"ive been watching your videos since 2006" He held his breath and decided to wait and see how Phil reacted.

"Since 2006?!? I started YouTube in 2006. Have you been watching my videos this whole time?"

"pretty much" He was starting to get worried that he was freaking out Phil. He was starting to think it was a mistake to tell Phil the truth about how long he had been watching his videos. 

"That's so cool Dan! I am glad you like my videos! I like your videos too." What. The. Fuck. Phil likes his videos? Does that mean Phil has been watching his videos too? How long has that been happening? Dan knew Phil subscribed to his channel the day before, but how long had he been watching his videos?

"really how long have you been watching my videos" 

"Just since yesterday. But I've been watching all of them. I started with your first video, Hello Internet." Dan cringed. Why had he left 'Hello Internet' open to the public again? Because it shows growth, he reminds himself. 

"oh so youve seen that abomination im so sorry that you were subjected to that" He chuckles to himself, hoping Phil appreciated how hard he was trying. When he made that video he was trying hard to copy Phil's editing style, trying to live up to the brilliance that was, and is, AmazingPhil.

"I thought it was great! I really do love your content. It seems like we might have a lot in common." Dan already knew that they had a lot in common, he had known that since 2006, but 15-year-old Dan didn't know how to actually act on the fact that he wanted to be friends with Phil. Young Dan had spent endless hours tweeting, commenting, and trying to get Phil to notice him. He wasn't sure what he would do if Phil had noticed him, but he never had. So Dan didn't have to worry about that... Until now. 

"lol i like muse and you like muse lets be freinds" He chuckles, remembering back to 2009 when he was really into Muse. Phil was also really into Muse, and he thought that would have been a good way to start a friendship, but the opportunity never presented itself. "jk but really it does seem we have a lot in common"

"Wow you really are the King of Typos! 'Freinds'" He added the laughing crying emoji. 

"this is cyberbullying" He couldn't help himself when he checked over that message to make sure there are no typos. Their conversation was easy and full of bants. Dan found himself smiling more than normal. He didn't let his phone leave his side, and he was always ready to see where the conversation was heading. They talked about Muse, YouTube, and anime mostly, but Dan would be lying if he said he wasn't the happiest he has been in years. 

~

Phil was smiling. He was lying in bed thinking about the day. He had spent his day watching Dan on YouTube, eating microwave popcorn, and messaging Dan on Twitter. Their conversation came easy, and his laughter was always real. It was currently two in the morning, and he was getting tired, but he didn't want to stop talking to Dan, because he knew that once he went to bed the conversation would end, and he would wait till Dan started the next conversation. If Dan started the next conversation. 

He continued to message Dan until his eyes would no longer stay open. He typed a quick "Too tired, gotta go to bed. Night Dan." 

Dan's reply was immediate, "goodnight phil"


	5. Chapter 5

Phil woke with a smile on his face, and a notification from twitter. He had another DM from Dan. It had been a week since he sent his first message, and he was pleasantly surprised to find that he and Dan genuinely had a lot in common. He was trying not to get his hopes up, considering he had a bad track record for maintaining friends. He had the feeling that if he got his hopes up and Dan stopped messaging him, it may just be the final straw of his sanity.

He put on his glasses and read Dan's message. "morning phil" He smiled to himself and typed a quick reply. He got up and took his morning shower, drying his hair, putting in his contacts, brushing his teeth, and everything he does every morning, messaging Dan constantly. Dan had managed to work his way into Phil's daily life. Phil lived for the moments Dan would message him, and he found himself look forward to it. However, their conversations stayed on Twitter for the time being. 

Phil occasionally found himself wondering if Dan would like to film a collab. He wasn't sure if Dan would be up for it, considering they have never met in person, or even spoken in any way other than over Twitter DMs. 

He let him mind wander to what he would film if he and Dan were to film a collab together. They could film a simple tag, like a new friend tag or something. They could do a costume video, Phil was particularly fond of those, but he was worried Dan wouldn't be comfortable with that. They could always do a Q&A video. His subscribers really liked those kinds of videos, and they are lots of fun to film. 

Phil's phone started ringing, drawing him out of his own head. His caller ID read "Mum" so he answered it. His mother was wanting to have dinner with him. She was anticipating his upcoming 30th birthday, which was this upcoming Monday, in a mere 6 days time. 

Kathryn Lester loved her son dearly, regardless of how scary he was as a child when he would silently stand next to her bed until she woke up. She loved her baby boy so much, and she was worried about him. She watches all of her youngest sons videos, but she can see the sadness in his eyes, she can see past that fake smile like only a mother can. She knows her son is lonely, and she will be damned if her son will spend his 30th birthday alone, like he has spent the last 5 birthdays. 

Every year, she tries to get Phil to come home and see the family, spend time with his parents, Martyn and Cornelia, and just be surrounded by family, but every year, he makes up some excuse. He spends his birthday alone, in his flat, watching Netflix and eating cake that he bought himself from Tesco, surrounded by cards and gifts sent from people who only seem to remember he exists on his birthday. 

"Hon, why don't you come home for your birthday this year? Martyn and Cornelia will be here, it will be like a big family reunion! Wouldn't that be lovely?" Phil loved his mom, but he wasn't much of a fan of his birthday. He has millions of people sending him well wishes on his birthday, but not a simple one seemed to pull him out of the funk he falls into every year. He would rather spend his birthday alone, drunk, in his flat. He just wanted it over with. 

"Sorry mum, I don't think I can make it this year."

"Philip, you say that every year. You can't keep spending your birthday alone." He didn't want to go see his family, because being with his family meant seeing Martyn and his wife, happily in love. Seeing his parents, still happy and lovey after all of these years. Being around his family, just made him realize that he was 30 years old, almost, and he still didn't have a real relationship. He didn't even have a real friendship, for god sakes. "If you aren't going to come here, we will come to you. We can stay at a B&B in London, won't that be nice?"

"No, mum! Umm..." He had to come up with something quick. He couldn't see his family, it would only make it worse. "I already have plans for my birthday!" Oh Phil...

"Do you? Well that's lovely dear! What are you doing then?" 

"I am going to spend time with my friend..." No. No. This is not good. Whatever you do, don't give her specifics. 

"Dear, thats wonderful! Which friend?" 

"Oh, you don't know him."

"Well what's his name? I may know his family."

"Dan Howell." It comes out before Phil can stop it. He just wanted his mother to leave him alone and let him spend his birthday how he wants to. And this is not what he wanted to come of this conversation. 

"Howell? I don't know them, where are they from?" Phil holds his face in his hands, ashamed that he let himself fall into this mess. He had never even spoken to Dan in person, or even on the phone. Just over a week ago, Dan was a stranger. 

"Hey mum? I have to go, I am filming a new video. I love you. Bye" He hung up before she could stop him. He had two new messages from Dan. Each one talking about an anime Dan has been watching lately, that Phil had already seen. Dan had just made it to the plot twist at the climax of season 2, and he was not expecting it. 

Phil smiles, and types a response he wasn't expecting to say anytime soon. "Hey Dan, wanna Skype?"

~

Dan swore his heart stopped. He has been saying that same phrase a lot since he started talking to Phil, but this time he means it. He was taking a swig of Ribena when Phil's DM came up on his phone. Dan choked on the red liquid and had to go spit in the sink before he could compose himself. Philip Michael Lester had just asked him to Skype. 

"skype? no one has skyped in years" The best way to approach a situation like this is to make a joke. Dan lived for jokes that lighten the mood, and if there was ever a situation where Dan needed to lighten the mood, it was now. 

"Oh, yeah. You're right. Facetime then?" Dan smiled a smile so big that his dimple had to have been the size of the Grand Canyon right about now. Before he could form a response, Phil sent another message. "If you want to that is. I don't want to make you uncomfortable or anything." He is an actual ray of sunshine. Dan will have to wear sunglasses when he sees him, or he may go blind. 

As a response, Dan sent Phil a simple response. "+44 20 7388 7666" 

Dan was trying not to overthink, waiting for his phone to ring and Phil's face to pop up on his screen. He decides he should answer the call on his laptop, so that he can use his phone if he needs to while talking to Phil. He runs to the bathroom to make sure his hair was straight and neat. He changes his shirt from his casual t-shirt to a long sleeve jumper instead, one that was black, as usual.

Okay, he was overthinking. 

His phone and laptop start ringing, and he jumps. He tries to hold himself together while he hits accept. 

Phil really is an actual ray of sunshine.


	6. Chapter 6

Dan's response was quick and to the point. "+44 20 7388 7666" Dan's phone number, Dan had just given Phil his phone number, and was now expecting Phil to FaceTime him... What the hell was I thinking? Phil obviously hadn't thought this through. 

Phil's brain was scrambling. Dan was waiting for Phil to call him, and Phil was a mess. Phil hadn't showered that day, and he was still wearing his glasses. Phil was not physically put together enough to come face to face with Dan for the first time. So he panicked. 

In his panic, he managed to put in his contact lenses, straighten his day old hair style, spraying in some dry shampoo to make it slightly less greasy, change his shirt from his Gengar t-shirt to his blue Nyan cat shirt, since it is one of his favorite shirts, after stumbling about, trying to decide if he was presentable enough, he decided it was finally time to just call Dan. What's the worst that could happen?

This was it. Phil could do exactly this. 

He couldn't speak, he was face to face, or... face to screen... with Daniel James Howell. He was even more stunning when he is in natural lighting, not behind a camera lens. He is staring, he knows it. He also has a stupid smile on his face, and he knows that too. But his brain can't form real sentences, or even full thoughts. 

"Umm... Hi." Dan's voice was sheepish, and a lot less articulate than in his videos. It's as though Dan mumbles all the time, and in his videos he works very hard not to. 

"Hi." Phil rubbed the back of his neck, nervous. Why was he nervous? He wasn't sure, but he was. 

"So..." Dan awkwardly looks over his shoulder, as if to assure no one is watching him, although Phil knows he lives alone. "How about that weather?" Phil laughed. He genuinely laughed. He was so nervous, and he couldn't stop laughing. 

He knew he needed to get ahold of himself, he was making a fool of himself, and he hasn't said more than one word to Dan. Phil was starting to get ahold of himself, reigning in his laugher. He finally stopped laughing, but as soon as he looked back up at Dan, he started giggling again. This time, Dan started giggling too. As their giggling subsided, they just smiled at each other, until Phil finally spoke. "You have a great laugh." And Dan laughed some more. 

Phil wasn't sure how to respond so he just said, "Thank you, I like your laugh too. Its kinda dainty and small, at least it is in your videos. It doesn't seem like it fits your personality, but I like it nonetheless." He looked deep into Dan's eyes and sees the way they capture the light from his laptop screen.

Phil is still looking into Dan's eyes, admiring the way he could see his own reflection in them, and the way his pupils are dilating the more Dan talks. Oh no... Dan is talking, and I haven't been listening. Phil turns his focus back to Dan's words, rather than his eyes.

"...and I know that I may not be the most fun to talk to, or the best to look at, but I am glad you wanted to talk,"

"None of that is true Dan. You're so amazing to talk to, hell talking to you has been the highlight of my week... Maybe even my month. As for the other side of that, your fans completely disagree with you distaste for your looks, and I would have to say that I side with them." Dan's smile is breathtaking. His real smile, the one that causes his crater-like dimples to show, and the one that actually reaches his eyes. 

Dan's face his lit up in way that Phil had never seen. His dimples are so prominent, but before Phil can drink them in, they are being covered by Dan's hand. Dan's pale hand, wrapped in a long sleeve shirt, so that only the tips of his fingers are showing, is now covering that gorgeous smile. But try as Dan might, Phil can still see the smile. Phil can see the way Dan's chocolate brown eyes are crinkling, as caused by the wide smile. 

"You're breathtaking," That was all Phil could get out of his mouth. His chest feels heavy and featherlight at the same time. He is not sure how that is physically possible, but he thinks he is having a heart attack, that can be the only logical reason for the physical reaction he is having at this moment.

"Philip Michael Lester, are you saying I'm pretty?" Dan's hand is still over his face, and Phil still feels like he can't breathe. 

"Daniel James Howell, I'm saying you're the most fantastic creature I have ever seen. More than pretty, more than beautiful. You, Dan, are exquisite." Phil is blushing, and so is Dan.

~

They talked over FaceTime for hours, making jokes and references to each others videos. Time went by so quickly that by the time Dan looked at the clock, he was blown away to see that it was now 9 pm and he and Phil had been talking for 5 hours. He had to do his live show in an hour. Being that it was now Tuesday, and it was quickly approaching 10 pm. He knew he could cancel his show, but his fans wouldn't be too pleased about that. 

"Hey Phil, look at the time." 

"What?" Phil was currently attempting to find a photo of a capybara for his iPhone wallpaper, as suggested by Dan. He peals his eyes away from the small mammal, and looks at the time on his laptop. "Oh shoot, its 9? That's crazy."

"Yeah, and I have a liveshow in an hour, and I look like rubbish." Phil gives his a sideways glare, Dan interprets it as a Shut up, you know I disagree. "I have to go wash-up before I go live," Dan has been debating this next bit for a while now, tossing the idea around for about an hour, as he knew their conversation would have to end sooner, rather than later. "But... If you wanted to text me... You could..." Dan's arm was in front of his face again, shielding his face from view. 

Phil's response came by way of text message, "You're such a dingus." Dan's laugh came fast and before he could alter his laughter, to match that of his videos, he was laughing his true honest laugh. The laugh obnoxious cackle that he got made fun of for in school. Dan's was bending in half, trying to contain himself, reign himself back in. When he finally gets himself to stop laughing, he is shocked silent.

Phil's face is a mask of still calm. Dan was worried of what Phil was thinking, but before his mind could become flooded with all the possibilities of the cause of the eerily silence on the man in front of him, Phil's smile broke out. His tongue between his teeth, and his small giggle is the most precious sound Dan has ever heard. 

"That's more like it." Phil's voice was so soft that Dan might just die from the sound of it. 

"What do you mean?" 

"That laugh. It matches your personality, loud and happy and carefree. I like it, and I like that I caused it." 

Dan's smile was genuine. "Me too, you spork."

Dan and Phil texted constantly for the next hour, from the minute they finally got off FaceTime, to the minute Dan went live on YouNow. They texted about little things, keeping the major conversation to a minimum, knowing that they wouldn't be able to talk for long, since Dan was expected to be live in less than half an hour. 

Dan washed his face, and made sure that he wasn't still blushing anymore. Once he looked less like rubbish, he grabbed a glass of Ribena and made his way to his liveshow background. He opened his preselected topics, and opened his computer. He still had five minutes to waste, so he sent Phil one final text message, and got on Tumblr for a few minutes.

He started streaming at five after 10, and we immediately bombarded with chat messages from people berating him for being late, saying how much they loved him, saying hi, and a few demanding he talk about Phil.

"Hello everybody, how are you all doing today? I, myself, am doing fabulously. I just had a good glass of Ribena, because its important to stay hydrated, and I just had a good day in general. I am sorry that I was running a little late, I was on Tumblr and got a little distracted by this blog I follow, they are dedicated to posting aesthetic photos of, like, landscapes and kittens and other generally aesthetic things. Anyways, what have you all been doing today?" 

His eyes followed the chat well, focusing in on random answers, reading a few out loud. "I'm watching this in Maths class, says Mindy. Mindy, you should really be listening to your maths teacher, how else are you going to gain the power of triangles and... other math related things." He chuckles slightly, the laugh of the persona he has built for his shows and videos. He continues on this train of thought for about five minutes before something new catches the attention of his audience. 

On the side bar, Phil's profile appeared. Saying he is watching someones stream. Interesting. Dan chooses to ignore it and continue talking about his most recent trip home, to see his family. Feigning that it went really well, and wasn't among the most unpleasant visits he has had since moving out. He did well at ignoring it until Phil started watching his stream, he faltered, and he stumbled over his words for a little bit, loosing all train of thought. 

The chat was flooded with people saying hi to Phil, and Phil himself saying hello back over the chat. "Well if it isn't the AmazingPhil himself. I am honored to have you join the internet support group for this livestream." He tries his best to cover his ass, and get back on track. He managed to waffle on for another 30 minutes, trying to keep himself on track, considering Phil was STILL WATCHING HIS LIVESHOW. 

He has now been on for 40 minutes, but he can't keep going. He knows he will be cutting it short today, by quite a bit compared to his usual shows, which usually last over an hour. "Hey guys, I hate to do this, but I will have to cut this liveshow short today, so I am going to take one more question from the chat, then I have to get going." He turns his attention to the chat, seeing many people asking why he was leaving, but he focused on one question, asked by none other than Phil Lester. Dan, why are you blushing? He forces his smile off of his face, and makes up a question. 

"Hannah asks, what is that painting above your bed? This is a painting a fan gave to me back in 2010, I really liked it, so I have kept it there ever since. Alright guys, I will see you next week. Bye." He ends the stream and immediately opens his FaceTime app on his phone, dialing Phil's number. 

Phil's answer was immediate. "Hello Danny." His smile was infuriating. 

"Phiiillllll, I can't believe you watched my whole liveshow."

"I didn't watch the whole thing, I joined about ten minutes late." Phil was laughing, and Dan knew exactly why. Dan knew he had been flustered the entire liveshow after Phil started watching, and that twat was happy with himself.

"You're such a twat, you know that?" Dan laughed.

"But you love it." Dan did, and he knew it.


	7. Chapter 7

Dan could hear snoring, which was confusing as hell since he lived alone, and was currently laying in bed trying to get some much needed sleep. He ignored the sound for another five minutes, trying to get his brain to leave it alone, before deciding to find the source of the sound.

The sight that meets Dan's eyes is enough to make a grown man's heart melt. Phil was snoring soundly, his face illuminated only by the light of Phil's own laptop. His glasses were crooked on his face, his mouth was hanging slightly open, only heightening the sounds of his snoring. His black fringe was forming itself into the most amazing quiff he had ever seen, showing off the clear pale skin of Phil's forehead.

They must have fallen asleep on FaceTime after Dan's liveshow. Dan had called Phil immediately after he ended his stream, and both he and Dan hadn't wanted to finish talking. They switched from their iPhones to their MacBooks at around 10:30, so that they would both be able to browse the web while talking.

The last thing Dan remembers before falling asleep was Phil's quite giggles, having seen something on his phone that elicited such a reaction. Dan had fallen asleep with a smile on his lips and a warm feeling in his chest. He gazed at Phil's sleeping form and found himself captivated by the way his lip moved with each breath he took, a steady reminder that Phil was alive, and breathing, and there.

Dan wasn't sure why this calmed him, but it did. Dan fell asleep, matching his breathing to Phil's. 

When Dan woke up, Phil wasn't there anymore. Dan could still see the blue and green checkered duvet, the blue fitted sheet that is thrown haphazardly across the bed, his mountain of pillows stacked where Phil's head had been a few hours ago. Phil must not have realized that the FaceTime was still connected before he got up.

Dan stretched his arms and legs, sore from being curled into a tight ball while he slept. He groaned and yawned while his limbs found their comfort in the strain of the muscles. Rolling over to end the call, resigned to the fact that Phil had already gotten up for the day, but right as he was about to end the call, Phil's voice finds his ears.

Phil had made his way back into his room, throwing himself onto his bed and into the camera frame again. "Oh, morning Dan! I didn't know you were up yet." His smile was infectious. Dan was suddenly very aware of the fact that he has no idea what he looks like right this moment. Dan looks into the small image of himself, cringing as he sees his bedhead and ridges in his face caused from his pillow.

He covered his face with both of his hands, pulling the sleeves of his white shirt over his fingers, rubbing his eyes. "This isn't fair, you got to get up and wash your face before I woke up, I look like rubbish first thing in the morning."

"Dan, did you know you talk in your sleep?" He had that damn smirk on his face, that one he gets when he knows something. That one that fangirls swoon over. The one Dan swoons over.

"Oh shit. Phil, please tell me I didn't talk in my sleep last night..."

"Oh you did. Who is Colin? Because you seemed to be having a good conversation with him last night..." Dan wasn't sure what that look on Phil's face was, but if he didn't know better he would say Phil was jealous.

"Colin?" Dan's laughter was loud and honest. "Colin is my family's dog." Dan was laughing so hard that he was struggling to catch his breath, "I don't know what I was saying to my dog, but I am glad it was entertaining for you to listen to."

"Oh." Phil breathed a small sigh, "Colin is your dog."

"You're such a spork, Phil."

~

Dan had to shower, or thats what he had told Phil when he hung up from the FaceTime. Phil was sure that there was more to it, but he wasn't sure what it was, and seeing as he had just started his friendship with Dan, he didn't want to pry too much. There was something in Dan's eyes that didn't sit well with Phil for some reason, but he couldn't place why.

Phil took this moment to look through his Tumblr feed. He reblogged a gif of a cat, an image of a cat, and a text post about Yuri!!! On Ice before loosing interest in his dashboard. He searches the AmazingPhil tag, and goes to the most recent posts, scrolling through some fanart and liking some of the more casual and cute ones, stopping at a text post that caught his attention.

'Petition for Phil Lester and Dan Howell to do a collab!' There were 5,000 notes on this one post alone, the sheer number of people who want him to do a video with Dan was overwhelming. Sure he has four million subscribers, but he has never had this many people requesting a video to this extreme before.

Phil spends some time thinking about what this video could be. What would he and Dan do that would be fun, entertaining, and open the opportunity to make more collabs in the future. He throws some ideas around, opening his video ideas document on his laptop, and looks through his collab ideas.

Phil looks through the long list, scanning past a few ideas. His eyes breeze past The Seven Second Challenge, Punk Edits, Lie Detector, Trying American Food, Q&A, Anime Cosplay, the list goes on. Phil breezes past most of them, brushing them off as not good enough. Phil settles his eyes on the simplest and most basic of the ideas. Question and Answer.

Phil used to do Q&A videos, he would read the questions to himself and then answer them. He put an end to those back in 2009, deciding that it was loosing its interest, since people weren't super interested in watching him read questions to himself. He always wanted to revisit the Q&A format, but anyone he ever collaborated with didn't want to do something so "basic." So he put the idea in his list, and moved on to bigger and better things, but it may just be the perfect thing for his first video with Dan.

A throwback to the original AmazingPhil, the AmazingPhil that Dan started watching in the first place. Phil was thinking over how this video would go, planning it out in fine detail, thinking of how he can truly throwback to the start of it all, he had a few ideas, but he wasn't sure how Dan would feel about it. He was still thinking it over when his phone pinged, signaling a text message. He knew who it was from before he even looked at his phone.

~

"So Philly, do you have any plans for your birthday?" Dan's question was simple, something he said so flippantly that he was not expecting to elicit such a reaction from Phil.

"How did you know my birthday was coming up?" Dan gave Phil a look, a look that clearly said Come on man, we've been over this. "Oh right, of course. You know because you've been watching my videos for years." Phil's chuckle was nervous, and there was something unnerving about it.

Dan waited patiently for Phil to answer his question. He was laying in bed, wrapped in his black and grey checkered duvet. It was currently 2 o'clock in the morning, and he was FaceTimeing Phil again. They took a break from the Face to Face contact for a good portion of the day, but maintaining a text conversation the whole time.

"Oh. My mum wanted me to go spend the day with the family, but I am not a huge fan of my birthday, so I was just going to hang out here. Maybe watch some Buffy..." Dan interrupted Phil's train of thought before he could continue on any more.

"Well, I don't blame you about the birthday thing. I kinda hate my birthday. So if you want company, I will gladly do this with you on Monday. FaceTime that is..." Dan hesitated, "If you want."

Phil spoke before he could convince himself otherwise. "Would you like to come over? We can watch Buffy, or an Anime, or something... Maybe we could film a collab, our fans would really like that... I would really like that... I don't know. You don't have to come if you don't want to. I was just thinking it may be nice to-"

"Phil, shut up and just listen to me for a second." Phil rambled when he got nervous, and Dan was not about to let him ramble any more, not about this. "I would love to come spend your birthday with you. We can film a collab, or watch anime, or go for a jog for all I care. I would be honored if you would let me share this day with you." Dan's shy smile was contagious, and Phil couldn't help but smile along with him.

~

Phil spent the whole next day planning Monday. He wanted to take Dan somewhere awesome, but he didn't know where. He wished he could take Dan to Manchester and show him around his old stomping ground, but for now that would have to wait. He settled for picking a good restaurant, maybe going to Duck and Waffle, and going to the London Eye. They would film a collab that day too.

For the first time in years, Phil was looking forward to his birthday. He had been texting Dan about the collab all day, keeping the details to the rest of the day a secret for now. A surprise for later, he decided.

Dan loved the idea of filming a Q&A, flashing back to the original days of AmazingPhil. Phil decided that he would tweet about it on Sunday and together they would compile the perfect list of questions to ask. Then they would film the video on Monday, Phil would edit it on Tuesday, and they would upload it either on Tuesday or Wednesday.

Phil was thrilled that Dan was on board for the idea, and Dan was so glad Phil wanted to film a collab with him, let alone film a throwback video. Dan felt like he was an 18 year-old boy again, sitting in his brown bedroom, watching Phil's videos with a sad smile on his face. Thinking he would never be enough for anyone, especially someone as amazing as Phil.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter does contain self harm. Please read with caution, and I will place '***' before and after the triggering area so that you can skip it if you need to.

After the first day Dan and Phil had fallen asleep over FaceTime, it became a normal thing. Every evening one of the men would phone the other, and they would chat until they fell asleep. Typically keeping things light and carefree, but occasionally as the sky got darker and the hours got later, one of the two would venture onto a more serious topic of conversation. 

Last night had been one of those nights. Phil had asked about Dan's home life, about his relationship with his family. Dan had been hesitant to answer, but he felt as though he owed it to Phil, and to himself, to let Phil in. So Dan told Phil the whole story. Dan told Phil about University, his first existential crisis, moving back home, his parents disappointment, pushing Adrian away, all of it. 

Well... Almost all of it. Dan left out one major detail, his best kept secret. No matter how much he wanted to let Phil in, he wasn't prepared to let someone see the deepest and darkest part of his life. Dan had his demons, and they were still hidden in the dark, where he planned to keep them for a good long time. 

Phil had listened to Dan's story with sad smile. Phil was glad that Dan had opened up to him, but it broke his heart to image Dan isolating himself from his friends and family, hiding himself from the world under a thinly crafted guise of calm. Phil had wondered how things would have been different if he had noticed Dan's tweets and comments back in 2009. Back before Dan put up his walls to protect himself from the public eye. 

Phil saw the tear shine in Dan's eyes while he talked of his family. Dan tried to hide the tears welling up behind his eyes, and Phil pretended he didn't see them. In reality, Phil had wanted nothing more than to hold the younger man in that moment. Hold him, wipe away his tears, and tell him that everything was going to be alright. But they were on opposite sides of London, in their respective apartments, on their own MacBooks, in their own beds. 

As Phil had fallen asleep, gazing at the already sleeping Dan, he whispered a quiet vow, "Dan, I know you have had a rough go at life. You've been alone for a long time... A very long time. So have I, and I don't want to be alone anymore... And I know you are asleep, and can't hear me right now, but I want you to know this. I don't plan to go anywhere, I want you next to me in my life... And I hope you want that too." He wipes away the single tear that rolled down his cheek. Phil removed his glasses and laid his head on his pillow, glancing at a now blurry Dan. 

"Goodnight Bear."

~

The next three days went by so quickly that it honestly shocked Dan that it had already been a week since he and Phil first started talking. It was now Saturday, meaning that he was meeting Phil in person in 2 days, and Dan was completely mortified.

This was the moment he had been waiting for since he was fifteen years old. He was going to come face to face with the man he has been idolizing since he was still a doll-faced teenage boy. It was all quite surreal, considering Dan still believed he would wake up and this all have been a dream. But against all odds, he wakes up the same way he has the past couple of days, to the sound of Phil's snoring.

Dan glanced at the older man's sleeping form, there was a small wet patch of drool on Phil's pillow. A small smile crossed Dan's face. He ended the call, sending Phil a text that he was sure to receive when he woke up. The text was simple had to take a shower ill call you later. Phil would respond with some emojis when he woke up, as was a common trend for them. 

Phil used a lot of emojis when he texted, similar to when he tweets. Dan finds it endearing, although, very unlike his own typing. Dan opened his iTunes on his iPhone, turning on the La La Land Soundtrack. He removes his clothes and steps into the shower. 

The warm water hits his back in a steady stream. The heat of the shower temporarily soothing the anxiety that has rooted itself into his mind. Dan has spent endless hours terrified of all the possible outcomes of his day with Phil. He was nervous that he was going to fuck everything up. He knew that it was an irrational fear, but he couldn't help his mind from thinking through every single outcome, and his chest feels tighter with every negative outcome he is foreseeing.

He quickly finishes washing up and climbs out of the shower. Toweling off his body and quickly rubbing the water out of his hair. He grabbed a clean pair of underwear, long sleeve shirt, and pair of skinny jeans. He threw them all on and looked himself in the mirror. 

His face was red from the heat of the shower, his brown hair still damp and curling, his eyes were tired from sleep, and there was something about his appearance today that was just wrong. He wasn't sure what is was, but it wasn't setting well with him. He blowdries his hair, and straightens the kinks out of it.

Even without his hobbit hair, something was still wrong. He kept thinking of what Phil might think when he meets him. How he would look through Phil's eyes. How he looks much more awkward and lanky in person than he does through a screen. He has seen the pictures, he knows that he isn't attractive in person. No matter how many crazy fangirls tell him otherwise, he knows the truth. 

*** His thoughts were swimming, his anxiety reeling, the scenarios of what could happen the next few day continued to play through his head, his chest was tight and he couldn't breath. His body was reacting to everything, and Dan didn't know how to handle it. He was nearly to his breaking point, he hadn't reached this point in a while, and it was all building up. He knew he was going to break, and that it was inevitable. 

Demons still swirling in his brain, Dan pushes up the sleeve of his shirt. He can see the thin lines of scars. Some faded from times passing, some purpling as they heal more, some red and raised just beginning the healing process. His mind is muddled and cloudy. He reaches for the tool that caused that destruction, the tool that he used to cause those scars. He found his blade in the drawer, right where it always sets. 

He looks over the shiny metal of the knife, he lays the sharp cool metal against his skin. He begins applying pressure, breaking the skin. As the blood begins to seep out of his skin, the thoughts begin to seep out of his mind. He makes one clean cut across his right wrist, washing the knife, and depositing it back in the drawer.

Dan sits on the floor of his bathroom, letting the cold linoleum cool his legs and butt. He grabs a tissue and dabs at the blood on his wrist. He holds the tissue there until the bleeding has calmed from a steady stream to a slight spotting. He places a bandaid over the cut and pulls his sleeve back over his arm. ***

His mind was clear and he was calm. He made his way to his kitchen, preparing a bowl of crunchy nut when he hears his phone chime. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and is greeted by a barrage of emojis. Phil has woken up, and Dan was glad to be able to talk to him again. With his mind now clear, and the weight on his chest has disappeared, he was ready to face the day. 

~

Phil was getting antsy. It is almost time to post his tweet. It is Sunday, he and Dan have plans to meet up tomorrow at the Sherlock museum, since it is a popular place that they both know, and is pretty close to the middle ground between their flats. Phil was going to post the tweet around noon then he and Dan would sort through the questions this evening over FaceTime and pick out their favorite questions. 

Phil wasn't sure what to expect from his fans, but he was excited to see their creativity shine through. He and Dan decided they were going to keep it a surprise as to who Phil was collaborating with. It would be a fun surprise for their fans. 

Phil drafted his tweet, making sure to use at least two emojis, and checking for typos of any sort. Once he knew his tweet was satisfactory, he hit send.

"Filming a throwback type video tomorrow. Doing a Q&A with a surprise guest! Submit your questions and you'll win a skink! 🦎🎥📱"


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my last chapter I talked about self-harm. I know that this can be manifested in different ways, and when I wrote about Dan's experience, I based it on my personal experience. I do not mean to offend anyone if your experience is difference than mine. 
> 
> You're all precious and valid and I love you all!

The response was large and exactly as expected. So many people submitted endless questions, for Phil and his mystery guest. Dan and Phil FaceTimed that night and picked out their favorite questions, laughing as they went. They found a few that were relevant to the events of the world, some related to previous content, and there were some that were completely random, and those were their favorites. 

Once they had their list of questions, they talked until they fell asleep. They discussed their plans for the following day, talking over what they would do together, deciding weather or not to go to a fancy place or keep in casual. They talked it through for quite a while, talking it over. 

"It's the first time we hung out in person, its a special occasion," Phil wanted to go to Duck and Waffle, which is a fancy restaurant in London. Dan wanted to keep it casual, hang out at Phil's flat, order a pizza, avoid the public for the day.

"But Phil, if we go out in public, we will have to see fans. Which means taking pictures, and answering questions, and dealing with people." Dan had been adamant that he didn't want to be bombarded with fans tomorrow, since they always ask so many questions. 

"Please... It is my birthday, you know." Phil knew that Dan would crack, he just had to last longer than him. 

"No, Phil, don't do this to me." Dan covers his face in his hand. When he peeks through his fingers Phil is pouting at him. His blue eyes big and his pupils wide, his top lip is tucked into his bottom one. He was giving Dan his puppy dog face, and Dan, damnit, was cracking. "Can we at least compromise? We can go to Starbucks or something, then go back to your flat and order a pizza and film."

Phil liked this about Dan, he was sure of what he wanted, and he was going to make sure he and Phil were both happy in the situations. "I can be okay with that," Phil conceded, his sad face instantly changing. He added as an afterthought, "We are still going to the London Eye." Dan put his hand up in an I surrender motion. 

As Dan and Phil talked into the late evening, Dan kept his eyes on the clock, watching the time flip closer and closer to midnight. When the clock flips closer to the end of the day, Dan became more and more nervous for the following day. It was nearly Phil's birthday, and Phil was waffling off about Corgis. Dan wasn't listening to the specific words Phil was saying, but watching the way his face moves as he talks.

When Phil talks about things he loves, his face is overcome by calm. His features smooth, and he looks sheepishly downward. His mouth quirks into a half smile and his eyes dilate, and he just looks soft. Dan watches his ramble for a good amount of time before noticing the time. It was exactly midnight.

"Hey Phil," Dan interrupts the older man, smiling fondly at the small smile on his face.

"Yeah?"

"Happy birthday, you old spoon." Phil's laugher is genuine and light. "Really though, happy birthday. I don't mean to be sappy and shit, but I'm glad we started talking."

"Me too, Dan." Phil's eyes are big, his expression soft, "Me too."

~

The next morning was there before either man knew it. They both went their separate ways that morning, in preparation for the day to come. Dan eat a bowl of crunchy nut, hopped in the shower in his tiny bathroom, got dressed, brushed his teeth, straightened his hair, and sat on the couch. 

It was safe to say that Dan was loosing his shit. He was dressed in his grey horn-accent hooded pullover, a pair of black skinny jeans, and his converse black-outs. He was sitting there twiddling his thumbs, being a nervous wreck as usual. He looked at the clock, it was 11 o'clock. He had 15 minutes till he had told the Uber to be there. It was a 20 minute ride from his Kensington flat to the Sherlock Museum, that is, without the traffic. So leaving 45 minutes early was for the best. 

To ease Dan's anxiety he opened his YouTube app, turning to his favorite video to watch to pass time, and get his mind off of things. He opens his subscribe page and clicks on AmazingPhil, he scrolls to the video titled 'Why I Was A Weird Kid' and clicks play. He watched Phil talk about different reasons for his odd childhood through the whole video, he then watched the second and third videos before his Uber app notified him that his driver had arrived. 

He dawned his long black coat and headed out into the cold London air. He gave a quick hello to his driver and told him the destination, "221b Baker Street, please." His driver nodded and Dan pulled out his phone. He sent a text to Phil informing him that he was on his way, and would likely arrive right on time. He scrolls through Tumblr while occasionally glancing out the window of the car. 

They turned onto Kensington Church Street, Dan is surrounded by tall brick building, admiring so much culture and time that London possesses. He sees endless shops on his right, and ornate buildings on his left. By the time the car pulls onto Bayswater Road he was becoming increasingly anxious. He reblogged a few posts to his danisnotonfire blog, aesthetic shitposting to appease his followers, and then reblogged quite a lot of fan related things onto his second blog, that he keeps a secret from his fans. 

When Dan arrived at the museum, his heart was racing. He was 15 minutes early, and he may just explode. He pays his driver and he takes a seat on the bench outside the museum. Since it is a Monday, there isn't a huge line. He takes his phone from his pocket, opens his Facebook app, closes his app, puts his phone back in his pocket, and repeats until he becomes to restless.

He settles into his seat, phone in his pocket, rubbing his right wrist where his scabbed scars rest. He rubs them through his sleeves, causing slight pain and brief relief from his worries. He glances at the time on his phone before fidgeting some more. Five till noon, and still no Phil. His phone vibrated signaling a text, Caught in traffic, will be there a few minutes late. Dan put his phone back in his pocket and resumed rubbing his wrist. 

The next ten minutes were the longest minutes of his life as he waited to see the face he had been watching for years. 

He sees him immediately, rising to his feet. Dan is worried that it will be awkward when they first see each other, but his worries were immediately put to rest when Phil grabbed Dan into a hug as soon as he was within reach. Dan held Phil tightly and didn't let go, not for a long while. Phil made no more to pull away either, not until he gasped with a sudden realization. "Oh! My driver is waiting. He is going to take us to the Starbucks down the street so we don't have to walk. Let's go." Phil grabbed his hand and practically dragged him toward a gold Uber. 

Dan was speechless, but Phil was not deterred by this. Phil pointed out buildings and landmarks. Dan knew all of these places, considering he has lived in London for 4 years, but he didn't care, he listened to Phil talk, and watched his face while he did. They were in the Uber for 5 minutes, and then they made their way into the underground where the Starbucks was located. 

Phil ordered them both Caramel Macchiatos, and when their drinks came, they sat at a small table in the back of the shop. "You haven't said much, are you okay?" 

"Of course, you dingus." Dan chuckled, "I am just nervous, is all. I can't quite believe I'm actually here with you, in person." He paused. He hadn't intended to continue, but Phil was looking at him expectantly, so he continued, "I have spent years watching you on a screen. I've watched all of your videos, almost as soon as they were posted. I was an original fan. I watched you make videos with your other friends, like Charlie and Sarah. I watched and wondered what it would be like to be in their position. To be here, in person, friends with you.

"I have always been watching from the outside, hoping to one day be doing exactly this. And I am just terrified that I will wake up, and that all of this will be some sick dream that my subconscious decided to torture me with." His voice cracked and he looked up at Phil.

Phil's eyes were shining like stars. "Dan," Phil takes Dan's hand in his. "I am real, this is happening. You are here, with me, in this Starbucks, on my birthday. This is the first year I have looked forward to my birthday in ages, and its all because of you. So, thank you, Dan." They were side by side at the table, hands held together, the words spoken still hanging in the air. Phil's face was getting closer to his, Dan wasn't sure which of the two men was the one moving, it may have even been both of them.

Dan could feel Phil's breath on his face, Dan's own breath hitched as he realized that within a few seconds his lips would connect with Phil's. Something he only let himself think about late at night when he was attempting to find sleep. Their faces were inches apart and with one simple move Dan's chapped lips would make contact with Phil's doll-like ones. Dan's eyelids fluttered closed, ready for their lips to collide. Guitar riffs and drum beats fill the air, effectively ruining the moment.

Phil's groans and pulls his face away from Dan's, blushing. Phil removes his phone from his pocket, Dan could see that the caller ID said 'Mum'. "Sorry... I - uh- I have to answer this." Phil looks apologetically at Dan and puts the phone to his ear. "Hello mum. Thanks mom, yeah I'm having a good birthday. Uh huh. Uh huh. Yeah mum, I'm with Dan. No mum, I will not put him on. I have to go, I love you. Bye mum." Phil pockets the phone, and gives a sheepish look at Dan. 

Dan downed the rest of his drink, avoiding Phil's eyes. "Uh... Nice ringtone." 

"Thanks... It's the Buffy theme song. I've had if for years. Can't bring myself to change it." Phil rubs the back of his neck. "Ready to head to the London Eye?" They throw away their trash and hail a taxi cab to take them to the London Eye, since it is another 25 minute drive. Dan and Phil spent the first half of the ride in complete silence. 

It was obvious both men wanted to break it, but didn't know how. As they drove past Hyde Park, Dan decided he couldn't take the silence anymore. "I caught a Arceus in that park once," Phil chuckled. "Among the top moments of my life, to be honest." It was like a switch was flipped. Their conversation was easy again, and they were laughing and smiling and having a great time. They arrived at the London Eye 15 minutes later. 

~

The London Eye was not very busy at the moment, and so the men managed to get a pod to themselves. Dan was mystified by the beauty of London from the height of the Eye, and Phil was mystified by Dan. Dan was looking out onto the city with a childlike gleam. 

They remained silent, admiring the city and the lights. It was midday, so it wasn't dark and lit by streetlights, but it was full of life. The streets were filled with cars and buses and people. It was captivating. Dan's voice broke the silence, "They are all so small." It was a whisper, more to himself than to Phil, but Phil responded anyway. 

"But each one of those people has a purpose." He looks at Dan, who is still staring at the city. "Each person has a life, a job, a family, and a reason for being here. We all fit into a big puzzle, no two pieces are the same, and thats beautiful to me." 

Dan moved so fast that Phil was startled when he felt lips pressed against his own. The kiss was quick and innocent, but Phil's stomach flipped. He had never experienced that feeling before, never. Not with previous girlfriends, boyfriends, anyone. It honestly shocked him. But Phil was more focused on the fact that Daniel Howell just fucking kissed him and he really wanted to kiss him again. 

So he did. Just once. 

~

The left the Eye blushing and laughing. They were on the way to Clerkenwell, which is where Phil's flat is located. When they get there they plan to order a pizza and then get ready to film.

It was the best day of Dan's life, and he couldn't wait to film their first collab tonight. Hopefully the first of many.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So once I started this chapter I realized how hard writing PINOF was going to be. So I tried to make the writing hold true to the filming and editing style of the videos. I hope you like it, since I had a great time writing it.

Phil's Clerkenwell flat is small. Very small. But everything about the inside screamed Phil. It was bright and colorful. There were houseplants in every corner, his house full of blues and greens. It may be small, but it was the embodiment of Phil Lester, and Dan loved it. He had seen bits of Phil's flat from videos, live shows, and collabs, but there is something disorienting about seeing the angles of the flat that are not seen from Phil's filming angle.

There is a dining table in the dining room kitchen combo, that Dan had never seen before. There were signs of life all around the room, and being able to see each piece of Phil's life made Dan feel nostalgic.

On that brown couch, Phil films his weekly liveshows. One time, he had answered one of Dan's questions, but since he was using an alias account, no one had known it was him. In front of that bookcase, Phil sat when he filmed his one attempt at a gaming video, which Dan loved, but was not his most popular video, so Phil put the idea to the side. Dan wandered through the flat, the bathroom that housed the toilet tag, the bedroom that Dan has grown to be his home away from home, even though this is the first time he has every been in it.

"This is so fucking weird." Phil's questioning look was enough to cause Dan to explain. "I have been watching you film in this room for 6 years, since you moved here from Manchester. I have only ever seen this room from one angle, and it doesn't even begin to do this place justice. This place is so you, Phil." Dan had sat on Phil's bed, Phil made his way to sit by his side.

"I like to keep the majority of this space mine, since I share so much of my life with my fans. It's nice to have something that is mine, you know?" Phil's hands were resting on his blue and green checkered duvet.

"I completely understand." Dan could see the camera still positioned by the bed, a sight that would look entirely different if Phil wasn't a YouTuber. "We give so much of our lives to them, that when you have something worth protecting, you should protect it." Dan met Phil's eyes, a small smile on his face.

"And I will protect it." Dan was about to ask Phil what he was going to protect, when the buzzer rang, signaling the arrival of the pizza man. The men made their way to the living room, starting an episode of Buffy and eating some pizza while they chat about their upcoming video.

They had their questions picked out, they had the props that they needed, they had most of the video planned out. There was one thing that the men hadn't talked about, the name. "Hey, Phil?" Happy eyes met his, "What should we name the video?"

Phil's eyes turned thoughtful, "I guess I haven't thought about it. I was probably just going to name it Q&A WITH DANISNOTONFIRE or something." He was still eating his cheese pizza, the only situation that he enjoys cheese. "Did you have something else in mind?"

"Well, I was just thinking about how you used to always make short titles, that were kinda punny sometimes. So what if we named it with a pun, since it is a throwback video and all." Dan knew that the title didn't matter, but he had thought of what he would want to name a collab with Phil way back in 2009, and he was set on using it at some point is he could.

"Well, puns are always nice. What could we use? Something about PHan, like with a PH?" Phil had set down his pizza, actively participating in the conversation.

"Too obvious, what about 'Phil is not on fire'?" Dan had found it funny when he was 18, but it seemed kinda silly now.

"I love it, lets do it." Phil stood from the couch, disregarding his pizza. He began walking towards his bedroom.

"Oh... Like now? Like right now?" Dan stood from the couch and followed Phil to his filming area. There will be no intro, no outro, just quick jumpy cuts between questions. "Ready, Phil?"

"Ready," Phil started the camera and the questions began.

~

After the video is filmed and edited, both done early into Tuesday morning, Dan hadn't gone home, he had sat beside Phil, at his editing computer, picking what footage to keep and what to cut. They didn't delete any footage, but they had to cut the video down. It was 12 minutes long after cutting scene changes and prop retrieval, which is too long for a Q&A video. They will cut it down, and release some of the other footage as bloopers/deleted scenes later.

There was a lot of laughing, and they both had so much fun. After the video was filmed, edited, and in the process of rendering, Dan and Phil watched the finished product together, they managed to condense the footage down to 8 minutes.

The video opened with a close up of Dan and Phil, faces side by side. Their hair touching. "Why do you always make cat whiskers on your face?" Dan's voice filled the speakers. It cuts to the next scene, Dan with whiskers, Phil without. Phil meows for the camera. Cut.

Phil now has whiskers on his face as well. There was another quick cut.

"Say zebra," They then go on saying zebra with their normal British accents, as well as in American accents as well.

Cut. Dan laughing, light and happy.

Cut. Lion is resting on Dan's shoulder. "Would you rather loose your leg or your nose?" More giggling.

"I would rather lose my leg, imagine my face without a nose." Cut.

Phil presses his nose against his face, and grunts. Cut.

"Voldemort has no nose."

Dan talks over the end of Phil's sentence. "Voldemort is pretty thicc, to be honest." He looks at Phil, while Phil makes a face at the camera. "I would bang Voldemort."

"I already look like Voldemort." Cut. 

"Would you eat ham every day for the rest of your life if you got paid a million pounds for every month you lived?"

"Yes." A second later, Phil added, "Although, I would probably die of ham poisoning."

"Ham overload."

"Ham overdose."

They both repeated the word ham a few times. Cut.

In laughter, "Can I stroke your glabella?"

Phil looks at Dan incredulously, "What's a glabella?"

Dan says to the camera, "Lets find out what a glabella is." Cut.

Dan is now on his phone, the definition pulled up on Google. A glabella is the space between the eyebrows and above the nose."

"There?" Phil asks, stroking his own glabella.

"There." Dan confirms. Cut.

Dan is now laying on Phil's bed, while Phil is sat on the floor behind the bed, looking up. "Can you say something in french?"

"Je mange les petits enfants." Cut.

"Est-ce qu'il y a une salle de jeu? Thats the only thing I remember from French class."

Dan from the bed, "Tu mets et une... prostitute." Cut.

Laugher from both Dan and Phil. Cut.

"Should I even bother asking about your feet?"

"NO!" Cut.

Phil hold his feet up toward the camera, clad in mismatched socks. Cut.

"Do you have eyelashes?"

"No." Cut.

"If you were locked in prison, how would you escape?" Dan points to Phil, prompting his answer. 

"I would eat my own feet." They both break into extreme laughter. "Wait. This is going somewhere. Then I could... Slide through the pipes?" Cut.

Phil leans toward Dan, aiming to bite his eat, not a romantic bite, but a big real bite.

"What are you doing?" Laughter. Cut.

You can only see Dan's hair, and Phil sitting in the background. "If you could create your own ice cream flavor, what would you choose?"

"Mega Bailey's Sherbet Chocolate Truffle Candy Mountain Explosion."

Dan's head raises into frame, "Children." His eyes are wide. Cut.

"What is your favorite onomatopoeia?"

"Crackle."

"I like that. Crackle." Cut.

"What's yours?" Phil looking at Dan.

"What's mine?" Dan looks at the camera, and raises one finger. "MIcrowaave." He moves his finger in a circle and raises and lowers his voice as he goes.

Phil looks at Dan, "That's not an onomatopoeia." They laugh.

"Yes it is. Yes it is." They laugh. Cut.

"If you had to lose one of your senses, which would it be?" Dan looks at Phil expectantly.

"I would lose..." Phil pauses. "The sense of Dance." He does a small dance. They layered music over it. Cut.

"Yes it is. Listen." He repeats finger circle gesture, "MIcrowaave." Cut.

"I want to scratch my nose but I can't." He blows on his own nose. "Blow on my nose?" Phil turns do do just that. "Don't do that, that's weird." Cut.

"Why aren't you in my bed?"

"Because you're twelve." Phil stretches the word twelve out. They chuckle. Cut.

"A Dan sized pea, or a pea sized Dan?" Dan's face was questioning.

"A pea sized Dan?" Phil's voice was incredulous. "Could you imagine eating that?" He mimes eating a very large pea. 

"No, no. That would be a Dan sized pea."

"Oh." Dan mockingly laughs at Phil. Cut.

"Here's one especially for Dan." 

"I feel special." Only the top of Dan's head can be seen.

"You are." They both laugh. Cut.

"Talk in Spanish!" Phil shakes Dan by the shoulders.

"Taco."

"Hola."

"Burrito."

"Olay." 

"Enchilada."

"Oohlu."

"Quesadilla."

"You're just saying Spanish food." Dan laughs. Cut.

"Seductively advertise corn flakes." Cut.

'Sexy' music plays. "Hey, wanna make out? Corn flakes." Dan hold up a box of crunchy nut. Phil is laughing in the background. Cut. 

Laughter. Loud laughter. Cut.

"Invent a new swear word, and use it in a sentence."

"Alright... chanksploon." Dan laughs.

"Alright, go on then."

"Yeah, I chanksplooned your mum's face."

"Do we want to know what chanksp- no? Okay!" Cut. 

"How do snails breathe?"

"Through their sNOSES." Cut.

"How deep is Dan's dimple." Dan sighs and tilts his head to the left. 

"Here we go." Phil pokes his face, as he mimes his hand disappearing he sings, "Dun, dunna dun dun dun, dun."

"My fingers disappearing! Its so deep! My whole hand has gone into his face!" Silence. "About seventeen feet deep." Cut.

"This was the most fun I've ever had." Phil immediately turns around and tackles Dan. Pushing him to the ground. Cut.

"Bye!" They both hold up hand hearts to the camera, a throwback to Dan's channel's origin. Cut.

"That's so cheesy." Phil's laugh fills the speakers.

"It's supposed to be cheesy." The video ends abruptly.

~

Dan and Phil fell asleep side by side, wrapped in each others arms. Both fully dressed in their clothes from the day before. They slept soundly, thinking of nothing and no one but each other.


	11. Chapter 11

Dan and Phil had created a monster.

And that monsters name? The Phandom. 

Ever since PINOF (Phil is not on fire), there has been an extreme response to "Dan and Phil" as a pair. They haven't filmed any more collabs yet, and they haven't been spotted in public together either, but people have it figured out. People know they are close, people know they are good friends, and Dan has no idea how the hell they figured it out. 

Phil keeps telling him that they will think what they want, but Dan doesn't want 6 million teenage girls making assumptions about his life, when he and Phil haven't even talked about it yet. 

After their first kiss on the London Eye, Dan was ecstatic, but also terrified. He has liked Phil since he first discovered his videos, he has often thought about what it would be like to feel Phil's lips on his own, what it would feel like to be wrapped in Phil's arms, what it would feel like to feel Phil's hands on his body. Phil's kiss was endlessly more amazing than he could have ever imagined, and that alone scared the shit out of him.

Dan was scared of his feelings. He was scared of finding something worth keeping, worth protecting. Because when things go to shit, like they always do, he doesn't want to be shattered by it. So every time Phil starts talking about their kiss, any of them, Dan changes the subject. 

Phil has tried to talk about their kiss on the London Eye multiple times, but Dan has always been able to change the subject. It was harder for Dan to avoid talking about their next kiss. The kiss they shared during PINOF.

Phil tackled Dan to the floor during filming. Dan was not prepared for the sudden contact, and they fell to the ground. Phil situated on top of Dan. The two men glanced at each other, blue eyes meet brown ones, both uncertain. The uncertainty faded as the older boy lowered his lips to the younger's. This kiss was deeper than the one before it, still relatively innocent, but laced with something deeper. 

Phil's lips moved against Dan's slowly. Phil's doll-like lips were as soft as Dan had thought they would be. Dan's lips were chapped, and cracking. As their lips moved together, the feelings that they both had, and were containing, were laid out between them. Dan was sure Phil could feel what he felt, and that only scared him more. 

Their kiss was cut short by the beeping of the camera. Since Phil's camera can only record for 20 minutes at a time, that sound marked the end of this 20 minutes session.

Dan was pulled from his memory by the faint sound of snoring. Phil was lying beside Dan, facing each other, ankles and wrists intertwined. This was not the first time that Dan has woken in this position. Virtually every day since filming PINOF Dan found himself at Phil's flat, watching TV on the couch, sleeping in Phil's bed, waking up to the sound of Phil's breathing. 

Dan stared at the pale man, grinning to himself. There is still a large part of Dan that is convinced that this is all a dream. Dan watches the breath enter and leave Phil's body, watched his chest rise and fall, watching the sign of Phil's life. Phil was living and breathing and right in front of Dan. 

Phil's eyes fluttered open, sleep still clear in his eyes. "Morning," Phil's voice was deep and raspy. Morning breath followed his words, but Dan couldn't bring himself to care. 

"Good morning, Philly," Dan was surprised by his own voice, equally as deep as Phil's possibly due to lack of use. "Did you sleep well? Considering you hogged my blanket all night?" His words were sarcastic, but his smile was gentle. 

"Sorry about that, I didn't realize I was a cover hog... You should have just stolen the blanket back." Phil had a guilty grin on his face. Dan decided to test his own limits. 

"What if next time, I steal all the blankets?" His voice was a challenge, and he was really hoping Phil would take the bait.

"That's assuming there will be a next time." Phil's voice held just as much of a challenge as Dan's.

"Oh, you know there will be a next time, you like warming your ice cube toes on my legs." They hadn't moved yet. They were still lying facing one another, wrists entwined, hands almost in each others grasps. 

"Well if you hate it that much, keep your warm legs away from my feet." That damn smirk.

"Maybe next time, I'll just cuddle up to you, and steal all your warmth." Dan wasn't sure where he was expecting this to go, and his anxiety was screaming at him to stop this banter, but his heart was winning out this time. 

"Maybe you should." A challenge. Dan could see it. Phil wasn't referring to next time, he was talking about this time. 

Dan's demons were attacking, his anxiety reeling. What if he was misunderstanding, what if Phil was just joking around, and when Dan went to touch him, Phil would recoil? What if it was awkward, or awful? What if it didn't feel right? His mind was racing, his demons roaring. 

Phil could tell something was off, he could see emotions reeling behind Dan's brown eyes. Phil wasn't sure what caused Dan's inner turmoil, but seeing this look in Dan's eyes unnerved Phil. Phil reached his hand up and brushed the brown hair off of Dan's forehead. Dan's eyes seemed to focus in on Phil, the darkness leaving his eyes momentarily. 

Dan moved closer to Phil, lifting his head slightly. Phil immediately accommodated Dan by placing his arm around Dan's shoulder. Dan's head rested on Phil's clothed chest, one arm curled against his chest, the other resting over Phil's. Phil absentmindedly runs his fingers through Dan's hair, in a continuous soothing motion. Dan momentarily forgot his Demons. 

~

Dan had to film a new video. He hadn't posted a video since his quiz video, and that was almost a month ago. He knew he needed to film, but he hasn't left Phil's flat in almost a week. He's been eating with Phil, sleeping in Phil's bed, showering in Phil's shower. He was content to never leave, but he had to film, and his fans would notice if he had a new background. 

"Phil, I have to go home." Dan's head was on Phil's chest, his new favorite place to be. 

"Why?" Phil's hands ran through Dan's dark hair. 

"I have to film. It's been a month, and my subscribers would notice if I filmed here." Dan sat up, resting his hands on Phil's chest. 

Phil looked up at Dan. "Can I come with you?" 

"If you want. My bed isn't nearly as comfy as here." Dan looked thoughtful, almost realizing he was assuming Phil would be joining him for the night. "If you decide you want to stay that is... Since you don't have to stay if you don't want to. Or we could come back here after I film, if you want me to. Or we could FaceTime like we used to... Or-" 

Phil cut him off, "Dan, I would love to stay at your flat." Dan smiled his big smile, dimples deep and eyes bright. "You know you're cute, right?" Dan blushed.


	12. Chapter 12

Phil wanted to talk to Dan about their kiss. It's been almost two weeks since their first kiss, and every time Phil tries to bring it up to Dan, he brushes it off and changes the subject. Phil wanted to talk about it, but he doesn't want to push Dan's limits too far. So he let the younger boy avoid the topic, as long as he didn't avoid Phil, he was okay with it. 

When they arrived at Dan's Kensington flat, Phil was blown away by the lack of color in the small place. Most everything was on a greyscale in some way, and there was limited life in the place. It was dark and sad, and it surprised Phil that the happy boy by his side lived in a depressing place like this. 

"Sorry its a little messy, I haven't really been home to straighten up lately." Dan chuckled, glancing at Phil was a sheepish smile. 

"It's alright, my flat hasn't been the cleanest lately either." Phil walked to a bookshelf that housed a variety of classical novels, philosophy textbooks, comic books, and TV boxsets. He pulled Death Note off of the shelf, holding it up to Dan. "I've wanted to own these for ages! But my family never gets the hint that I wanted them for my birthday or Christmas. Instead they always get me socks, or kitchen utensils. It's like they assume that since I'm older now, that I don't like to have fun." 

"Well put it in, we can watch it while I plan my video." Phil put the first DVD into the player and sat himself on the couch. He propped his legs up onto the coffee table, giving Dan a look as if to ask for permission to do so. Dan nodded his head in affirmation and went to retrieve his MacBook. 

When Dan returned, he had a blanket slung over his shoulders, his MacBook in his arms, and he flopped himself onto the ground. Opening his computer and placing it beside him, staring at a word document filled with one line statements. Wordlessly, Dan scrolls through the document, sighing occasionally.

"Hey Dan, whatcha doin?" Phil's did his best to imitate that girl from Phineas and Ferb, Isabella.

"Hmm?" He rolls onto his back, glancing at Phil, who is still sitting on the couch. "Oh sorry, this is how I plan my videos. I stare at this list of ideas until one of them sticks out to me, and I get the desire to film it. Sometimes it takes a while." 

"Take all the time you need, I'll be here when you're done." Dan grins and rolls back into his inspirational position. Phil was overcome by admiration, and he had an uncontrollable urge to take a picture. So he did. Phil grabbed his iPhone off the couch, made sure it was on silent, so that the shutter wouldn't sound, and took a picture of Dan. Lying on the floor, galaxy blanket thrown over his body, covering his head as well as his back. It was incredibly silly, but Phil found himself saving the picture, sure he would be looking at it again. 

~

Dan was filming his video, he had stared at his computer screen for a few hours before inspiration finally hit. He decided to film a video telling the story of his piano classes when he was a child. Phil turned off the television, so that it couldn't be heard in the background of Dan's video. 

Dan has been filming for a short time, not even scratching the surface of the amount of time Dan will have to dedicate to this video. If there is one thing Phil has learned about Dan, is that he works his ass off to present his viewers with the best possible video. Dan works himself to the bone to assure that everything he puts on his channel is the best that he can possibly give. 

That is one thing that Phil admires in Dan. Sure he doesn't post every week, or even every other week generally, but he does this because he wants to present his audience with something amazing that they will want to rewatch and treasure. Dan puts his all into his career, and it is something that many people take for granted.

Phil had began wandering through the small flat. He can hear Dan talking, telling his story, laughing and repeating lines he has messed up. Dan was speaking clearly and articulately and if he rushes too fast through a line, he will repeat it slower, and making sure he can be understood. 

Phil chuckled during different parts of Dan's story, laughing at certain details that Dan included. He had situated himself outside the door to Dan's room, letting himself listen to the soothing sound of Dan's voice. Well, mostly soothing, because there are a couple times where Dan gets loud and screams over something silly. Even through the screams, Phil found something comforting in the sound of Dan talking. 

He listened to Dan tell his story for another hour, before he was overcome with the need to pee. So Phil found his way to the bathroom. It was small and dark. The shower curtain was black, shocker, and it was relatively empty. There was an assortment of products on the tap, as well as straighteners and other miscellaneous items, that Dan uses to get ready in the morning. 

Phil empties his bladder, and went to wash his hands. He pumped the soap dispenser a few times, and came up empty. Phil began to search for a refill to the soap or even a bar of body soap, anything he could use to wash his hands. 

He opens the drawer to the right of the sink, and find hand towels. The next drawer down contains earrings, long since been forgotten by Dan. Phil picks up a pair of earrings that are pink roses, Phil made a mental note to ask him about those later. He moved to the left side of the sink. The bottom drawer holds a second hair straightener, probably in case his first one brakes. Phil closes the drawer and opens the top one. 

The only thing in this drawer was a silver blade. A razor blade of dark cool metal, sitting in the center of the drawer. Phil picks it up, turns it over in his hands. Once. Twice. A third time. Phil had an uneasy feeling in his chest, his brain was gripping at straws trying to place an explanation, while some part of him, his logical part, has already found the answer. 

Phil does the only thing his brain can think to do. He rifles through the trash. It didn't take him long to find a tissue covered in blood. The blood spots were in a perfect line, dried and brown. Phil can feel the tears welling behind his eyes, but he was fighting his emotions. You could be wrong. Dan isn't depressed. He always smiles when he's with you... But what about when he isn't with you? 

Phil, still holding the blade, walks toward Dan's room. He can hear Dan repeating his sign off. Working to get the right tone and inflection to his words. Phil walks into the room, not bothering to worry about messing up this take. Dan, without looking at Phil, ends the recording and starts speaking, "I think that's everything I needed to film, editing can take a while, but I think it's time to take a break." He rubs his hands on his black skinny jeans, and stands up from his chair. 

When he stands, he finally looks at Phil. His eyes immediately see the look on Phil's face, and then his eyes see the item that Phil is clutching in his right hand. Phil is holding the blade so tightly that it is beginning to cut his skin. "Phil... Phil, you're going to hurt yourself..."

"What, like you do?" It stung, that comment. Dan recoiled at the words, and Phil instantly regretted them. He dropped the blade to the ground, not noticing that he started drawing blood with his grip. "Dan," He took a step closer to the younger man. Dan's eyes fell to the ground, but he didn't back away from Phil, as the older man slowly approached him. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean it that way..." Phil was standing right in front of Dan, leaning to look into his eyes, but Dan kept avoiding his gaze. 

Phil grabbed Dan's hand, holding his right hand within both of his own. He slowly slides his hand up the younger mans arm, hooking his sleeve with his thumb, and pulling the sleeve upward. Once his long sleeve was up to his elbow, Phil slowly turns Dan's wrist over, so that he can see his scars, the old marks and the new ones. He runs a thumb over the newest, raised and red, made only one week ago. 

Dan's eyes are fixed on Phil's hands, how gently he is holding Dan's arms. How carefully he is running a finger over his wounds. "I don't know why you do this, because I don't know everything that goes on in your head." Phil's eyes are looking at Dan's face, willing him to look up and meet his eyes. Phil took that thumb, the one that had previously been rubbing Dan's scar, and wiped away the tear that had broken free from his eye. 

Dan's eyes met Phil's, for the first time since Phil had entered the room. Dan's eyes were dark and swirling. Phil's eyes shown with affection, and he willed Dan to see it. "Next time you feel the need to cut yourself, than you're going to have to take my arm," He held up his wrist for emphasis, "Look me in the eyes, and cut my wrist as many times as you would cut yourself." 

Dan's face shown confusion, his eyebrows knitted together, "Phil... I couldn't hurt you like that." 

"Then don't hurt me like that, because seeing you hurt yourself, hurts me." Phil gingerly took Dan's sleeve and placed it back over his arm. Phil placed his hand on Dan's cheek, "I'm here for you, whenever you need me. I can be here for you all the time if you need me to be. Because I want to protect you, because you're worth protecting." Dan's eyes pinched, and another tear left his eyes. Phil wiped away his tear, and pulled Dan into a tight hug. 

~ 

Dan showered after their conversation, while Phil made them dinner. Which actually means Phil ordered them a pizza. When Dan emerged from the bathroom, he was wearing a pair of grey sweatpants, his hair naturally curly, and he was wearing a t-shirt. A short sleeved t-shirt, covered in Shiba Inus. This was the first time, in videos or in person, that he had ever seen Dan wear a short sleeve shirt. Phil now understands that it was to hide his scars from curious eyes. 

Dan didn't edit his video that night. Or the night after. He spent the next few days in Phil's arms. Occasionally sharing a different piece of his story. The story he hasn't told anyone. The story of his journey through his depression and self-harm. Phil never pushed him to share, Phil never asked any questions, and let Dan talk whenever he needed to.


	13. Chapter 13

"Hey, Dan." The younger man was laying with his head against the older boys chest. Phil's long pale fingers were running through Dan's brown curls. The two were situated in Phil's bed, curled into one another, where they have been for hours. Phil's fingers were lulling Dan into a happy calm. "Bear, are you asleep?"

There was a quite groan from Dan and a mumble, "Yes." Phil chuckled, and ran his fingers through the curls at the base of Dan's neck. 

Phil placed a kiss on the top of Dan's head. "Be my boyfriend?" Dan's eyes sprang open, and his head shot up. His eyes wide and his mouth open, his words failing him. Phil sits up, and pulls Dan into a sitting position as well. "Sorry, I didn't mean to be so blunt about it." Phil's voice was soft, and he could see darkness in Dan's eyes, and he wasn't sure why. "It's something I've been thinking about for a while."

"Phil..." Dan wouldn't meet Phil's eyes. His demons swirling in his head again, but he couldn't escape them. He was with Phil, this wasn't his flat, his blade wouldn't be in the bathroom. He could probably find something that could still release some pressure. "What if... what if we do this, and it doesn't work out? I can't..." Dan could find something that could open his flesh, he just has to go find something. But if he leaves Phil will know what's going on. 

Phil's eyes went to Dan's hands, where the younger boy was rubbing his right wrist harshly. Running his hand aggressively up and down his scars, almost willing the pressure to open the healing wounds. "Dan," Phil rested his hand over Dan's hand. Halting the movement from Dan, causing the younger man to look up. "Talk to me, what's going on in that pretty head?"

Dan's eyes are wide, but he knows that he has two options. He can talk to Phil about what he is thinking, or he can run and lock himself in Phil's bathroom and find something to rip open his arm. He looks into the blueish-greenish eyes of the man in front of him, silently noticing that Phil has yellow in his eyes, that is not noticeable in his videos.

"I'm scared, Phil." Dan's eyes are starting to water, he was hitting an edge, and he is without his coping mechanism. "I'm scared that if we try this, it won't work out. Because every other person I have ever cared about has left me. I always fuck it up somehow. I am too needy, or depressing, or I expect too much from someone. I have driven away everyone, my exes, my parents, my friends from school, my friends from uni, my brother, everyone." The tears were flowing freely from his eyes now. "I had no one... I was alone for so long. All I had was the internet. I made my videos, and I watched yours. It was the only light that I had. You were the sunshine in my void.

"Then by some miracle, you found me. I still don't understand how any of this is real, but it is. We found each other, and this last month has been the best month of my entire life. And I want nothing more than to be your boyfriend, your best friend, your constant." Phil brushed the tear from Dan's cheek, wanting to promise him the world, but knowing that he needs to let Dan continue, because if he cuts Dan off, he may not continue.

"I want to be yours, and you to be mine... but I know I'm going to fuck it up. I know that I'm going to do something to ruin this, and the more I give myself to you, the more I let myself love you and realize that this isn't some sick joke, the more it will hurt when this all blows up in my face." Phil pulled Dan into a tight hug, running his hand through Dan's hair. 

When the men pull away, Phil starts talking. "I know you're scared, and I am too. Finding something you care about can be scary, especially when you think about losing that thing. But by shutting yourself out of pursuing something, just because you're scared of losing it, almost guarantees you that you will lose it." Phil guides Dan's chin up, meeting their eyes. "But you aren't going to lose me. Because I want to try this, I want this. I want you. And if it doesn't work out for us, romantically, I wouldn't want to lose you as a friend. You're stuck with me, whether you like it or not." 

Dan gives a shy smile, and when Phil leans in to give Dan a kiss, Dan doesn't pull away. The kiss is soft and tender, full of reassurance and love. The kiss ends, and when they pull away, Phil breaks the silence. "So, what do you say? Will you be my boyfriend? My best friend? My constant?" Phil's smile was large and hopeful. He thought he knew what the younger man would say, but he was worried. He was worried that despite the words Phil had said, Dan would still be wary. 

Phil's worries were brushed away and his smile grew when Dan gave a small nod. Dan's voice was quite, "Forever please." Phil's tongue poked out of the side of his mouth and his eyes crinkled. Dan kissed the older man, his heart filled with happiness, and also worry.

The rest of the day was filled with smiles, laughter, kisses, and cuddles.

~

The next day, Dan realized one fatal flaw in his plan. 

The Phandom. 

The two men now had millions of people who would, quite literally, lose their shit if they were to believe that Dan and Phil were in a relationship. Granted, many of their fans already think they are, and they have only seen one video of the two men together. Dan was not ready to have his brand-new relationship put on display for all to see, especially considering that he is still very nervous about the whole thing. 

"Hey, Phil?" Dan's voice rang through his mostly empty flat. 

Phil's voice could be heard from the kitchen, "Yeah?" Dan rose to his feet from the uncomfortable couch, and made his way to the kitchen. He stood behind his boyfriend and placed his arms around the older mans waist, resting his chin on his shoulder. "What is it, bear?"

"Well, I was thinking... you know... about us." Phil turns around in Dan's arms, Dan giving him room to turn. 

"What about us?" Phil places his arms over Dan's shoulders, while Dan's arms still rest on Phil's waist. 

"Well, I was thinking... Maybe we don't tell anyone?" Phil's eyebrows knit together, thoughtful confusion filling his face. "Not yet." Phil's eyes still shone with confusion, but he waited for Dan to explain. "Well, we each have quite a large following online, and you know how they can get. So, maybe we ease them into it. We film more videos together, let them see us as friends while we get used to the idea of us. Then when we get comfortable with it, we tell them." 

"Well, it may be hard to keep it a secret, it isn't like we are good at hiding our feelings very well. You've seen PINOF, so have seen the edits and gifs. A lot of them already have an idea." Phil's voice was matter of fact. Honestly, he wouldn't mind keeping it a secret from their fans for a little bit, but he wasn't a huge fan of the idea of having to keep his eyes, and hands, to himself.

"Is it so wrong that I want to keep you all to myself for a little bit?" He gave a playful smile. Phil bites a lip, his eyes traveling down to Dan's chapped pink lips. Dan's own smile has turned less playful and more sultry. 

"No, there's nothing wrong with that." And Phil brought their lips together. 

Their newfound relationship still uncharted, Dan decided to test the waters. Their kiss was deeper than the past. Charged with feelings and happiness. Their lips moved together, mouths falling into a pattern. When Phil kissed he jutted his chin up, almost as if trying to take something from Dan. Phil's kisses were enough to make Dan's knees weak. 

Experimenting, Dan licked along Phil's lip. Quickly and casually, asking for permission to continue and take this kiss another step further. Phil's response was enthusiastic. Phil turned them around, switching places with Dan, placing Dan against the counter, and Phil's body pressed against Dans. Phil replaced his arms from Dan's neck, to around his waist. One hand in the small of Dan's back and the other on Dan's prominent hip. 

Dan was shocked by the dominance that shown in Phil in that moment, but to be honest, he thought it was hot. So he let Phil lead the kiss. He let Phil's tongue explore his mouth, and when Phil pulled away, Dan made a weak and pitiful sound of protest. Phil's pupils were wide, and his mouth quirked up into a smirk. Phil's lips connected with Dan's neck, at the point where his neck and shoulder meet. 

Dan's chin involuntarily raised, while Phil nipped and kissed his neck. "Phil, you're going to give me a hickey," Phil's response was a simple hum. 

Their kisses continued, and at the end of the day, both men had their fair share of purple bruises on their necks.


	14. Chapter 14

The next few months have gone by quicker than Dan had ever imagined. He and Phil had officially started dating at the beginning of March, and it was now the beginning of May. Dan couldn't remember ever being this happy.

The Phandom was growing everyday, Tumblr exploding with every collab they film. They collaborate on a regular basis now, almost every video one films, contains the other. Their fans are starting to figure out that they are together, but since they have no real proof, it is all speculation.

The two men have spent nearly every day by each other's side. They spend all their time at Dan's flat, since it is larger than Phil's, and spend every night in Dan's bed. They have been so incredibly happy, and had decided the take things slowly, you know, in the physical department. 

Dan almost died of embarrassment when they came to this agreement.

The two men were enjoying their night. They had just filmed a video for Phil's channel, a video where Phil was telling the story about his most recent experience on the Underground. Phil told his story and he had Dan help to act out a scene in the story, of a creepy man who approached him at one point. He knew he could have done it himself, but he really liked when Dan was in his videos.

After filming the video, the two men went back to Dan's flat, and set themselves up watching the next episode of Steven Universe, since they started watching the series together. They watched a couple episodes of the cartoon before they stopped watching. Neither man could remember who initiated the kiss, but neither seemed to care. Phil had switched off the TV, so that they wouldn't lose their place, and spent a good amount of time caught up entirely in each other's lips.

Phil was entirely on top of Dan. His strong slender frame covering that of his boyfriend. One arm renting beside Dan's head, keeping his weight from crushing Dan's chest, the other hand was on Dan's hip. Dan's own arms were around Phil's neck, running through the older man's hair. Phil's mouth on Dan's neck, nipping, sucking, kissing. It become obvious to Phil early in their relationship that Dan's neck was extremely sensitive, and Phil took advantage of that at any given opportunity.

Phil would be lying if he said that the sounds Dan made when Phil kissed his neck didn't spur him to continue. Dan was quite when they kissed, keeping the sounds to a minimum, which was almost infuriating to Phil. Phil himself was very vocal, moaning and groaning whenever he felt like it, while Dan was a more quite person, very breathy and sensual. So, Phil took great pride in the moments when Dan would make noise, when Phil could elicit a moan or groan, Phil knew that what he was doing was causing Dan pleasure, and while they hadn't done more than make out, Phil was happy whenever he could make Dan feel pleasure, enough pleasure to be audible.

Phil kissed his way back up to Dan's mouth, placing a lingering kiss on his lips. Phil would be lying if he said he wasn't turned on right in that moment. "Wanna move to the bedroom?" Phil's voice was full of lust.

"Oh... um... Phil. I... I've never..." Dan was nervous. It was obvious to Phil, and Phil felt like a complete dumbass.

"Oh... Dan, are you a... are you a virgin?" Phil felt like shit for bringing it up like this.

Dan blushed a deep crimson. "God no. I've just never had sex with a guy." His blush was more prominent than Phil had ever seen it.

Phil's eyes went wide. "Oh. Well that's okay. I mean, I have. But I don't want to pressure you into anything you aren't ready for."

"It's not that I don't want to." Phil could see it in Dan's eyes, he wanted to. "But I want to wait. For a little while at least. We just started dating, and we haven't even said I love you yet. So I want to wait. At least for a while." Dan looked deep into Phil's lust filled eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I don't want to pressure you into anything, and I want you to be one hundred percent sure before we do have sex." Phil smiled a genuine smile and gave Dan a peck on the cheek. He rolled off of Dan, situating himself beside the younger man, placing a kiss to the top of Dan's head.

Dan quickly turned himself over, straddling Phil's hips. "Just because we aren't going to have sex tonight, doesn't mean we have to stop kissing." Dan's lips connected with Phil's. With Dan situated atop the older, kissing with a purpose. Dan wanted Phil to know that even if they weren't having sex, or even fooling around, Dan could still make Phil moan.

~

It was Thursday, which means it was time for Phil's weekly live show. The system the men found most affective was that they would spend one week at a time at the others flat, and Phil would return to his flat on Thursday's, film a video every other week, do his live show, and grab more clothes. Then he would return to Dan's flat and stay there until the next Thursday.

Phil had started his live show at his usual time of 8 o'clock p.m. Starting the same way he always does. "Hello HappyPhil. Hello Hannah. Hello Susan. Hello DanielXDreams. Hello Paula. Hello Henry. Hello everybody. How are you all doing today?" His eyes scan the chat. Seeing different variations of the same answer. "Jessica says 'Better now that you're live.' Thank you Jessica. You're too nice. Kinley says 'I'm wonderful, how are you?' Well Kinley I'm wonderful as well. Life has been going really well lately." His smile was bigger than he had ever seen on himself. He knew that Dan was the reason why, but he couldn't easily say that.

He carried on with his normal live show. Talking about whatever the chat wanted, considering he didn't have anything super impressive to talk about, since he hasn't done anything except for spend time with Dan and film some videos. He was picking questions from the chat at random. Filling time. It was very early into the stream that the questions about Dan started coming. He decided to answer one. Playing it safe, he picked one of the more innocent questions. "GoodnessDanielFan says 'You and Dan spend a lot of time with each other, don't you?' Yes. We do. Funny enough, we had never met before I made my video a while ago, My YouTuber BFF. Have you guys seen that? It's been a while now. It's been since January. Anyways. Me and Dan met after that, because he saw my video, where the quiz matches us as best friends. Well he did one in response, and the quiz matched us again. So we ended up messaging each other on Twitter, and we ended up getting along really well. So now we are really good friends." Phil grins to himself, knowing that Dan isn't actually watching this stream, since he had some things to do tonight, and that he will have to hear about this on Tumblr.

"We have a similar sense of humor and we like a lot of the same things." Like making out on Dan's sofa. "So we film together a lot." His eyes catch the chat. One particular comment catches his eyes. "I didn't catch who this was from, but someone asked 'Are you and Dan going to be friends forever?' Well I don't know what the future holds. But... that's the plan." He pictured Dan's smile, when his dimples show, the dimple that he and Dan named Derek. He chuckled a little, picking a new topic.

~

Phil got distracted. He was on a tangent, and he didn't realize he was over an hour. He wasn't aware that it was now after 9 o'clock and he wasn't at all prepared for his phone to start ringing. His iPhone started to blare the theme song to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, like it always does when he gets a call. The caller ID says that Dan is calling him. "Oh guys, Dan's calling me. Should we answer it?" The chat is unanimous with the answer. He swipes to answer the call. "Why hello Daniel."

"Hey Phil, will you grab more ice before you come over? We're out." Phil went into a small panic.

"Oh, sure. I'll grab ice before I come by your flat tomorrow." He was fumbling, trying to save face. He knew he sounded ridiculous, but he had to fix it. "Dan, say hi to-" Phil pauses to check the current viewer count. "-twelve thousand people."

Dan paused, thinking over the words he had just said, knowing he may have messed up. "Hello internet. Sorry to interrupt the show. I assumed Phil would be done by now. He's coming by my flat tomorrow, and my lazy ass didn't want to make another trip out if I didn't have to. Anyways, that's all I needed, I'll see you tomorrow, Phil. Bye guys!" Dan hangs up before Phil can say goodbye.

Phil wrapped up a few lose ends in his stream and said his goodbyes to his fans. "Goodbye everyone!" And clicked off, leaving all his viewers to be redirected to a different streamer.

Phil picks up his phone and dials Dan, whose number is saved in his favorites, under his family. Dan's answer we almost immediate. He skips introductions and goes straight to the point. "Why didn't you tell me you were still live? Why did you even answer?"

Phil could hear the frustration in Dan's voice. "I wanted to hear your voice... and I didn't expect you to lead with something like that. I'm sorry. I should have been more careful." Phil was genuinely concerned that Dan was mad at him. He understands that Dan has a reason to be, since even though Dan did a good job at saving the situation, Phil may still have screwed up, and given the Phandom actual leverage.

"It's okay. We saved it, and I missed you too. Which is why I called. I figured you would be done with your show since you usually only go for forty five minutes, I should have texted first." The frustration was leaving Dan's voice with early word, and Phil was relieved.

"I'll be over soon, okay? Let me grab my stuff and I'll leave." Phil needed to feel Dan in his arms, assurance that Dan was not mad at him.

"Okay, I'll see you soon. Be careful."

"Bye." Phil hung up to phone and smiled. He grabbed all his stuff and was out the door within ten minutes.

~

When Phil got to Dan's flat, the younger boy was waiting for him. A mug filled with coffee in one hand, and another filled with hot chocolate. He offers the coffee to Phil with a small smile. Phil takes both mugs from Dan and places them on the counter.

Phil wraps Dan in his arms, letting Dan's heartbeat fill him with a sense of calm. "I'm sorry that I almost ruined this."

Dan pulled back, confusion obvious on his face. "Ruined this? Phil, you couldn't ruin this. Especially not like that. I may not want our fans to know about us yet, but if they did it wouldn't be the end of the world." Brown eyes met blue ones. "Because I may want to keep you all to myself for a while, but nothing can ruin this. Because I love you." Dan's smile was timid, almost afraid that Phil wouldn't say it back.

Phil's smile broke free of his face, causing his eyes to crinkle and his tongue to poke out if the side of his mouth. "I love you, too. More than I ever thought I could love someone." Phil gave Dan and long and deep kiss. When the two men pulled away, Derek was more prominent than ever.


	15. Chapter 15

"You will really like PJ." Phil had been trying to get Dan to branch out and make more friends. Dan had been adamant against it. The two men were lounging in Phil's bed, as they often do. Dan was enjoying the quiet time he had with Phil, until the older man ruined it. 

"Dan, please? PJ used to be one of my best friends, along with Chris, and I miss hanging out with him." Dan was trying his best to concentrate on Phil's words, but he couldn't think past the hand that was making its way repeatedly over the small of his back. "I want you to meet him, because you need more ways to occupy your time."

Dan's arms squeeze Phil, "I have everything I need to occupy my time right here." Dan reaches his head up, and places a chaste kiss to Phil's lips. 

Phil chuckles his adorable laugh. "Please, Dan? For me?" Phil's pouty eyes are Dan's Kryptonite, and Phil knows it. 

Dan holds his ground. His mouth set in a hard line, he was not going to go down that quickly, but he was going to give. He couldn't resist Phil for long, even if he was completely against the idea. He faked resistance for another few minutes before giving in. "Fine. Only because you asked so nicely... and I love you." 

Phil smiled, showing off his slightly crooked teeth. "Yay." Dan is overcome with the desire to kiss the man in front of him, and since he has no reason not to, he does. 

~

Dan had just concluded filming his newest video, a collaboration with Phil, they did crafts. They decided to make an April Fool's Channel. They wanted to do something completely crazy for this, and they decided to make a channel together: DanandPhilCRAFTS. 

They wanted to do this as something completely off the wall and ridiculous. They made Squareflakes, which was just a stupid twist on paper snow flakes. They filmed it on April Fool's Day, edited it in 30 minutes, and posted it. They were surprised by how many people saw this video, and also found it hilarious.

This video was a one time thing, maybe to be revisited the following year on April Fool's Day. They expected a lot of different responses, but they were not expecting so many comments telling them that they loved when they did videos together like this.

They had a lot of people tell them that their group dynamic was so much more entertaining than their individual ones. Even though they were trying to be ridiculous, they worked well together. They danced around each other, not allowing one of the two to talk too much, or too little. They were able to work so well together, that it was captivating to watch. Even if it was a joke video.

"Hey Phil," Phil looked up from his Nintendo DS, he was playing Pokémon Moon. He made no statement, "A lot of people really like it when we make videos together." 

"Ya?" Dan could tell that Phil's attention was split. He wasn't looking at his DS, but his mind was obviously focused on the Pokémon battle that was waiting in the screen. 

"Maybe... We should start a new channel..."Phil's eyes, which had been drifting back to his DS, shot back to Dan. "Together." Dan could already see the questions turning in the older man's mind. Like gears of a machine, his mind was working to figure out the benefits and downsides to starting a new channel. "Obvi' we would keep our main channels, but we could have a channel together that we also do."

"I don't know, Dan." Phil's mind still turning, "I love the idea, but what would we do on this channel, that we wouldn't be able to do on our main channels?"

Dan stopped, he hadn't thought that specifically yet. "I don't know. I figured we could sort that out together." Dan could see the uncertainty in Phil's eyes. "Phil, I love spending time with you, but my danisnotonfire videos have been put on the back burner. Not that I mind, but my bank account sure does. This channel would be a good way for us to make some more money, while also spending lots of time together."

"Yeah, alright. We could definitely use the money. But starting a joint channel may be hard if we live 30 minutes apart." Phil still had a few hesitations, but he was starting to see how great this could be for them. 

"It isn't like we aren't together all the time anyway." Dan didn't see the problem, but obviously Phil did.

"We don't have a set to film in, first of all. Second of all, people will be curious as to how we are always together. They know we spend a lot of time together currently, but it will be obvious how much time we spend at each others flat if we start a channel together." Phil was thinking rationally, and was silently begging Dan to start thinking through it all too. 

"Well, we already basically live together, why not actually live together?" This was not what Phil was hoping for in the way of rational thought. 

"Dan, do you really think thats a good idea? We haven't told our fans that we are dating, how would they react to us moving in together?" 

"Friends live together. We could get a bigger flat, one with multiple bedrooms, so that people wouldn't question it. We wouldn't have to tell them that we are together, but it would be a good idea for marketing. People who ship us would have more fuel to keep shipping, and people who don't, still get to see the content we make. We could put content out more frequently if we lived together too." So maybe Dan was thinking pretty rationally. "Plus, I think I would like to live with you, because I love you." Dan gave his sheepish smile. "So Phil, what do you say, move in with me?

Phil didn't know where this was coming from. This was Dan. His Dan. The younger man who he loves so much, the man who looks to a blade for comfort, the boy who is so insecure with his friendships that he doesn't want to meet anyone new, and the boy who watched him through a screen for years. 

This young man, who Phil loves with all his heart, had essentially just asked Phil to move in with him. Does Phil really want to share a living space with this 25 year old? Dan plays piano at ungodly hours of the night, often falls asleep on the sofa scrolling through Tumblr, and gripes at Phil for leaving his socks all over the house. Does Phil really want to live in a flat with this man? 

Without a doubt. 

~

They had been looking at listings for hours. Flat after flat after flat. They had a few interesting options, but there was one that really stuck out to them. 

There was one flat in London, it consisted of 3 floors. It has high ceilings, 2 large bedrooms, an office, and a kitchen with a glass door. This flat was honestly the most promising from all they looked into.

The two men met the landlord, and within three weeks time they were signing the papers. They had decided to have separate bedrooms, although they probably won't sleep in separate rooms often. They have the office to set up as a set for their new channel. And a large lounge that they will fill with their nerdy items. 

They still hadn't told their fans they were moving. They figured they would wait till they were moved into their new flat to let them in on the secret. Some of the fans have theories. People have noticed that the backgrounds are getting less cluttered, and that posters are missing from walls. They are getting suspicious, but this suspicion is raising their views. 

Phil was currently sitting on the floor of his bedroom, packing a box of props. Dan was sitting across from him, putting shoes into a box. "Gaming." Dan's voice broke the silence.

"Huh?" Phil looks up from his prop box, filled with wigs, hats, and clothing of sorts.

"We could do gaming." Phil still wasn't catching the point.

"What are you on about?" 

"For our channel, we could do gaming. Like silly stuff, not super serious Let's Plays like Mark, but silly stuff. Stuff that screams 'Dan and Phil'." 

And from that DanandPhilGAMES was born.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter where everyone screamed at me before, so yeah...

With one simple tweet Dan and Phil fans everywhere lost their shit. 

'@AmazingPhil tweeted:  
Check out mine and Dan's new channel! Dan and Phil play Club Penguin (RIP)'

Chaos erupted all over the internet, as hundreds of thousands of people scrambled to see what the fuss was about. Come to find out, this was not some sick joke, this was actually happening. Dan Howell and Phil Lester, created a gaming channel. 

The video opens with Dan on the left side of the small window and Phil on the right. The wall behind them was grey, and there was a black futon in the background, and to the right there was a pro DDR pad. Dan was wearing a white long sleeve shirt, and Phil was wearing his yellow Adventure Time hoodie. Phil holds up a small wooden moose and raises it to his mouth. He blows into it, and it makes a high pitched squeaking sound. "Hello DanandPhilGAMES!"

Dan waves to the camera. "I'm Dan." He gestures toward Phil, who has the moose still next to his face. "And this is Phil."

"Welcome to our new channel!" Phil placed the moose out of camera shot, and gestured to the room. "And our new apartment!" 

Dan chuckled. "Yes. As you can see, this is neither mine nor Phil's flats, as you know them. That is because, would you like to tell them way, Phil?" Phil doesn't look at Dan, or wait for him to even finish asking the question.

"We have moved in together!" Phil throws his arms into the air and gestures wildly around the room. 

Dan, seeing the problem with the simple explanation, decides to elaborate more. "Yes. Since we are friends, who both do YouTube, and are huge nerds, we decided to move in together as friends. Seeing as having someone else to help you film a weird scene for a video is always nice." Realizing his last sentence could be taken as an innuendo, Dan made a scrunched up uncomfortable face at his own choice of words.

"And seeing as how we get along so well, and we both like to play games, we decided to start a gaming channel!" Phil cut in, not giving Dan time to correct his word choice. 

"Right, Phil. And what better way to start the channel, than by paying tribute to a game from my childhood: Club Penguin. May it rest in peace." Their banter was coming quick and easy, bouncing back and forth. 

"Today is the final day of Club Penguin. After today, it will be shut down for good. So we decided, why not play it today, on its very last day." Phil smiled into the camera, doing his best to look constantly pleased, but Dan could tell it was his 'for the camera' smile. "I personally have never played Club Penguin."

The banter continued like this for another minute or so, while they set up their account. They wandered around the island for a short time, attempting to make friends with other penguins and laughing when they were shut down. Eventually, Dan got aggravated by the lack of internet friends they were making, and threw a small tantrum. Resulting in them getting banned from the server for 24 hours, because Dan used 'an inappropriate word'. They both laugh and scream at the orange box that displays on screen, marking the end of their club penguin experience. 

"You ruined it." Phil told Dan matter-of-factly. Dan lifted his head from where it was residing in his hands.

"Well, that was Club Penguin!" He laughs and shakes his head. "I think we conveyed what that was somewhat, what do you think Phil?"

"I think that if I was eight, I would have quite liked that." Phil's attention is on Dan at the moment, but he turns his eyes to the camera. "Give this video a thumbs up in respect to the dead club penguin."

"Subscribe for more GAMING videos to come." The shot shrinks into the upper left hand corner, and three bubbles appear on the bottom of the screen. Dan's channel's bubble says reads 'danisnotapeng' and Phil's reads 'Amazingkipperinpocket', making references to some things they had said in the video. "Our channels are over there, leave a comment down below if there are other games you want us to play.

"And we will see you next time, on DanandPhilGAMES." Dan gives a thumbs up to the camera.

Phil places both his hands together and covers the camera lens as he says, "Goodbye!"

~

The response to the new channel was overwhelming, and mostly as expected. Their subscriber count is rising with every passing minute as more and more people realize that this channel actually does belong to them. "Hey Phil, check it out. We already have about 50,000 subscribers to DanandPhilGAMES." Dan had his laptop open to the channel. Refreshing the page to show Phil the newest number.

"See, I told you they would love it." Phil places a chaste kiss to Dan's head. He goes back down the stairs from the living room, to the kitchen. He calls up the stairs, "Have you checked Tumblr yet to see what people have said about the move?" 

He had not, Dan had actually been dreading the idea of going on Tumblr. People could be very hateful when things happen that they weren't expecting, even if it does not directly relate to that person. "Not yet. I was going to give it some time before I check."

Phil entered the room again, a coffee mug in each hand. He hands one to Dan, the hello kitty one that is filled with Hot Chocolate, and keeps one for himself, a one direction mug that is filled with coffee. "Look Dan, I know you're nervous for what people will think, but you have nothing to worry about. No one knows that we are together, and us living together won't be the thing that proves if we are or aren't. People will think what they want to think, one way or the other."

"I know you meant that to help, but it didn't." Dan takes a sip of his hot chocolate, and turns to the TV, where an anime sits paused. "Can we keep watching Yuri on Ice? It'll help distract me." 

"Of course, bear." Phil presses play on the television remote. He places the remote on the coffee table, and places his arm around Dan's shoulder, Dan snuggling closer to Phil immediately. Phil places a kiss to the top of Dan's curly hair. He has been leaving it curly around the house, really only straightening it when he films a video or when they leave the flat. 

Phil could get used to this. Dan, safe and in his arms. 

~

Dan woke up to an empty bed. Their green duvet was pulled haphazardly around Dan, a cover hog in his own right. Dan let himself wake up slowly, glancing around the room. The scenery still new to the 25 year-old. There are foreign plants, pictures, and furniture all around him, and yet, he feels at home. 

This flat may be new, but it is his and Phil's. It is where he and Phil have started their lives together, and where they plan to continue their lives for some time to come. He stretched his long limbs, groaning as his stiff limbs move for the first time in hours. He rises from the bed, pulls on a pair of skinny jeans, and throws on his black eclipse t-shirt. 

He glances in the mirror that hangs from the back of their bedroom door, his hair is curly from his shower the night before. His hair is the only thing that sets him apart from his YouTube icon; same shirt, same skinny jeans, different hair. He takes a moment to reflect on how much his life has changed since that icon was taken.

Since then, Dan has gained a few million subscribers, dropped out of uni, lost touch with his family, and gained a best friend. Nothing in his life would have prepared him for the change he has encountered lately. And nothing in his life would have prepared him for living with his boyfriend and best friend, Phil Lester. 

He walks out of the bedroom and into the living room, expecting to see Phil sitting on the couch. The room was quiet, save for the sounds of drilling outside. Dan's eyebrows raise in confusion, so he makes his way to the kitchen, maybe Phil is there. When the kitchen is empty as well, he decides that texting him would be his best option. 

He pulls his phone out of his pocket, and opens to his messages. He is surprised to see a message from Phil, waiting to be opened. 'Hey, you were asleep when I woke up, but I am planning a surprise for you. I'll be home later today! I love you! ❤️"

A fond smile found it's way onto Dan's face. He sent a quick reply back, and set himself up on his laptop in the living room. He mindlessly avoids most social media, except for Facebook, which is the only social media that isn't filled with YouTube related things. After scrolling through Facebook for as long as possible, he decides to brave his other avenues of media. 

Twitter is a barrage of questions and statements, but seeing as how people are limited to 140 characters, it was all fairly innocent. He replies to a few tweets, and liked a few from some of his friends. He sent a quick tweet of support to Anthony Padilla, saying that he supports his decision to leave Smosh, then he flips to Tumblr. 

His dashboard is primarily aesthetics and memes. He reblogged a few images before he couldn't restrain himself anymore, he had to check the tags. He typed into the search bar 'danandphilgames' and hit enter. There were gifs and art of all kinds, so many different styles and concepts, his fans were so creative and he cannot believe that he could inspire so much love and art. 

He likes a few art pieces and reblogs one of two of them. He keeps scrolling, when a text post catches his brown eyes. His eyes were reading before he could tell himself to stop. 

'I cannot believe how many people are falling for this shit. Why the hell would someone as amazing as Phil choose to associate himself with a depressed piece of shit like Dan Howell? Can't any of you people see how toxic of a person Dan is? Why else does he have no friends, he drives them all away and ruins their lives. He's going to ruin Phil's life. I mean, look at them, they've already moved in together and started that shitty channel. Phil should be making advances in his career, not taking steps back and downgrading to Dan's level of garbage. Phil deserves so much better than Dan, as a friend, boyfriend, or person in general.'

Dan was crying before he even finished reading the post. He looked at the note count, 432 notes. He refused to click on the notes to read what everyone else was saying in agreement. He was distraught. How could people honestly believe that he was ruining Phil's life? He loved Phil more than anything, and he would never ruin his life... at least not to his knowledge. 

What if he was ruining Phil's life without even noticing? What if Phil was just putting up with him because he knew how depressed Dan was before they met? What if Phil agreed and decided to leave Dan? What if their channels failed and Dan had nothing to fall back on? What if everything they worked for fell apart? What if...

What if...

What if... 

Dan couldn't form rational thoughts, his mind was muddled and confused. Tears flowed from his eyes quicker than he could wipe them away. He couldn't breathe, and his chest was tight. His demons, which had been in hibernation, woke up with a fiery vengeance. He had to do something, he had to clear his head. And there was only one way that Dan knew to do that.

~

**The blood flowed freely from Dan's wrists, from multiple cuts on each arm. With each new cut, more of Dan's worries faded away. His mind was clearing, and his heart rate was slowing. He was feeling more and more calm.** 

The more time passes, the better Dan feels. Until he doesn't anymore. His mind gets cloudy again, but in a different way.

Dan was tired. So very tired. Maybe he should sleep...

Yeah... Sleep.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my formal apology for the ending of the last chapter.
> 
> I'm so sorry for this...

There were roses clutched in Phil's hands, black ones. Phil had spent all day looking for a bouquet of black roses, the final piece of his surprise for Dan. Phil had spent all day planning the perfect evening for his boyfriend. 

Phil was going to ask Dan to meet his family, they have been dating for around 4 months, they moved in together, and they were starting a branch of their careers together. Phil took his relationships very seriously and only continued in a relationship if he thought they would last. Since he was a teenager, he has never introduced a boyfriend or girlfriend to his family, no one has been serious enough. 

Phil's family isn't exactly religious, but they take marriage and relationships very seriously. Martyn and Cornelia have been married for a few years now, and have been dating even longer. Martyn hadn't brought Cornelia around for the entire first year of their relationship, not until he knew they were endgame. 

Phil knew. He didn't know exactly what made him know, especially this early, but he knew that Dan was his one and only. Dan was the person Phil would marry, become a parent with, and grow old with. Dan was his perfect match, and Phil really hoped that Dan agreed.

Phil had a plan. He was going to show up at the flat, roses in hand, walk over to his tall boyfriend and give him a kiss. He was going to take Dan to Clos Maggiore, they were going to have a fancy Italian meal, drink a high priced bottle of wine, and Phil was going to invite Dan to his families house in Manchester for the weekend. 

He was going to look into Dan's beautiful brown eyes and tell him how much he means to him. Tell him how much he loves him, and how he wants to spend the rest of his life by his side, as long as Dan will have him. He isn't going to propose, not yet. But he wants Dan to know that Phil wants them to have a future. 

Phil had reservations made, and the restaurant has been informed of the twos status on the internet. Phil was wearing his best button up shirt, white with birds on it, and black skinny jeans, some things don't ever change. He picked up the roses, which were extremely hard to find, since most people only want black flowers for funerals, and headed back to the flat.

Their reservation was in an hour, so he had enough time to go home, tell Dan to change into something fancy, and for them to get into the car, that Phil has already booked, and leave. Phil was practically giddy. He was nervous for Dan's reaction to his declaration for the night, but he was also extremely excited. They haven't gone on a formal fancy dinner yet, and this would be their first one. 

Phil exited the car, paid his driver and made sure to leave a generous tip. A different driver would be sitting in this spot in an hour, waiting to take him and Dan to their romantic dinner. Phil couldn't help but imagine this dinner as the first step toward his happily ever after. 

Sure, he and Dan were already together, living with each other, and working together, but there was something different about this dinner. After this dinner, Phil would know if Dan wanted the same thing as he did, a future together. Phil would know if Dan wanted to stay with him for the rest of his life, will know if Dan wants to get married to him someday, will know if Dan wants to adopt children someday, he will have all these answers after this dinner. Dan may not know the answers right now, and Phil is prepared for him to need more time, but best case scenario, Dan will want all the same things. 

Phil climbed the 47 steps into their flat, he unlocks and opens the door. He is greeted by a large house plant and an eerie silence. "Dan! I'm home!" Silence was the only response. He climbed up the first flight of stairs and sees and empty kitchen and a closed bathroom door. The light on the other side of the closed door was flipped off. 

"Dan?" More silence. He heads up the next flight of stairs where the empty lounge is waiting. The hallway leads to two empty bedrooms, the one they use and the one that Dan uses to film his danisnotonfire videos. Lights are off all around the house, no sign of life anywhere in the house. He climbs the final flight of stairs that lead to the office. 

The office is also empty, the camera still set up from the most recent gaming video. The emptiness of the flat is something Phil wasn't expecting, and he has no idea where Dan could be. He pulls out his phone and opens his phone app, while walking back down the stairs and rechecking the rooms on the middle floor. He goes back down the final flight of stairs as he places his call to his boyfriend who is still missing. 

The phone starts ringing in his ear. He can hear it ring, as he waits to hear Dan's voice fill his ears. He hasn't heard Dan's voice today yet, and he is starting to get anxious. He has a feeling in his stomach that something is wrong. He isn't sure what, but if he could just hear Dan's voice. If he could hear Dan's voice everything would be okay. 

"Hello." Dan's voice rings in his ear, and Phil can feel the pit in his stomach get smaller. "You've reached Dan. Sorry I couldn't answer the phone right now. I'll probably call you back, maybe. We'll see." The beep resounded in his ears, and unsettled him even more. He could feel the pit in his stomach settle so hard, that he became nauseous.

"Dan!" Phil's voice rang through the quiet of the flat. Phil dialed again, being met with the same resound ringing. Behind the loud ring in his ear, he could hear a different sound. He pulled the phone away from his ear, the ringing still sounding, and he could hear the sound of Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance.

Phil recognized it as Dan's ringtone. The pit in his stomach grows and he located where the sound was originating from, the bathroom. He hangs up his end of the phone, causing the eerie piano to cease. Phil places his hand on the doorknob, looking at the white of the door.

Roses in his left hand, doorknob in his right. Phil takes a deep breath and opens the door. The roses fall from his grip.

~

Phil didn't know what he was expecting to see, but he was not even slightly prepared to see the sight that he saw. 

Dan was lying on the floor, sitting in a pool of red liquid. It takes a moment for Phil's mind to process that it is, in fact blood that is surrounding Dan. It takes a few more seconds for Phil to realize that it is Dan's blood that is covering the floor. Phil heard someone shout Dan's name, and some part of his brain knew that it was him. 

Before he knew what was happening, Phil was on the floor with Dan in his arms. Tears were streaming from his cerulean eyes as he gazed at the boy in his arms. His hair was sticking to his forehead with sweat. He was so pale, so incredibly pale. Phil looked around for his phone, noticing it on the floor in the hallway, he must have dropped it when he lunged to Dan. Phil refused to leave Dan right now, nothing would tear him away.

He feels in Dan's pockets, finding his iPhone located in his front pocket. Blood coating Dan's clothes, Phil manages to get Dan's phone out of his pocket. He dials +999, and waits for the operator to pick up. "999, what is your emergency?" He couldn't understand how the woman was so clam, when Phil's whole world was crashing down. 

"I need an ambulance. Please hurry." Phil's words were quieter than he was meaning for them. His tears streaming from his eyes so violently he could hardly make out the scene he was looking at. "My boyfriend... I just got home... He is in the bathroom surrounded by blood... His own blood... Please. He needs help." The woman asked for his address and Phil gave it to her. She told him to stay on the line, she asked if the door was unlocked, she asked if he was conscious. Phil answered every question to the best of his ability, but he was struggling to make sense of anything. 

"He's so pale... He's too pale..." He repeated the same thing over and over. "Please, Dan. Please wake up." He was rocking Dan's still body in his arms. Tears streaming freely, and Phil knew that there was nothing that could stop them. "I don't know why you did this. You can't have done this. I love you so much, and I need you to wake up." Phil brushed the hair from Dan's forehead, kissing the sticky skin there. "We were supposed to go to dinner, I was supposed to tell you how much I loved you, and how much I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you."

"Sir? I know this is hard for you, but can you see if your friend has a pulse?" Phil shook his head, too scared to check. He was terrified that Dan wouldn't have a pulse. He couldn't do it.

"I can't..." The operator was quiet on the other end of the phone. "Dan, I love you. I love you so much. You can't do this to me. I need you. You're my whole world, you're all I have. If you..." Phil felt his throat contract at the thought. "If you... died... I wouldn't be able to live. I couldn't live in a world without Dan Howell. So, I need you to hold on. I need you to keep breathing and I need you to live. Because if you don't live, I don't live." 

The door flung open and the EMS workers were there in moments. Their boots stomped on the roses that have been sitting in the doorway. The black from the roses seeming to take a whole different turn sitting in a puddle of deep red. One man pulled Dan out of Phil's arms, pressing his fingers to Dan's neck. Phil was not hearing a word that the men were saying and before he knew it, they were placing Dan on a stretcher and carrying him out of the flat. 

Phil scrambled to his feet and followed the men down the stairs, grabbing his and Dan's phones on the way. One of the men held up a hand when Phil tried to follow into the ambulance, stopping him from getting on. "I'm not leaving him, he needs me." 

The man looked at Phil, "What he needs, sir, is a hospital and medical care." The man climbed into the tall vehicle.

"Please..." His voice cracked. "I need him..." As tears slipped from Phil's eyes, he could see the mans features softening. He twists his head to look at the other man in the ambulance.

The man held out his hand for Phil to grab, Phil took it and stepped into the white van. "Sit there, and hold his hand. Don't touch anything else, and please do as we say, okay?" Phil gives a sullen nod and grabs Dan's hand. 

"Please, Dan. Please survive." Sirens blared and the ambulance jolted into motion, bringing Dan closer to his chance at survival.


	18. Chapter 18

The ambulance ride only lasted around five minutes, but to Phil, it felt like an eternity. Dan's hand was resting in Phil's, only letting go when an EMS worker ordered him away so that they could place squares of gauze on Dan's cut wrists, followed by wrapping gauze around his arm. Dan's clothes were still covered in blood, the black material not showing very prominently. 

Dan was still very pale, his face as white as a ghost. Dan's hands were stained with blood, as was most of his body. Phil's own hand was stained, but he couldn't think past Dan's still body. There was some part of him that fears the worst, but there is another part of him that sees the EMS men working quickly to record Dan's vitals, which means he has vitals. 

When they arrived at the hospital, Dan was whisked into the back, and Phil was instructed to wait in the waiting room and he would be updated as soon as possible. A receptionist handed Phil a few forms and asked him to fill in every blank he knew the answer of. Phil's heart was breaking. No, his heart is shattered. His chest feels hallow and empty as he fills in as many blanks as possible. 

He was able to fill in most of the answers but got stuck on some of the questions of Dan's medical history. Phil answered all that he could, and handed the forms back to the receptionist. The pretty woman gave Phil a meek smile, and offered Phil a bottle of water. He accepted it, and sat back in the waiting room. 

Phil pulled out Dan's phone, knowing he should call Dan's family. He knows that Dan and his family aren't close, and ties have been strained lately, but they are still his family. He flips through his contacts, finding the contact labeled Mum, and presses call. 

The phone rings a few times when a woman's voice interrupts the ringing. "Daniel?" There was obvious confusion in her voice, but Phil could hear something else in her voice. Happiness? He wasn't sure, but he had more important matters at hand. 

"Um. Actually, Mrs. Howell, this is Phil Lester." Mrs. Howell's gasp was audible. 

"Phil Lester? Like, AmazingPhil, Phil Lester? The man that my son used to talk about nonstop?" The confusion was even more present, having completely taken over from the other. 

"Yes, ma'am."

"Phil, what's going on? Is Dan okay?" There were voices in the background, she must have been doing something when he called.

"Well, Mrs. Howell, no. Dan isn't okay." Phil's chest heaved and silent tears streamed from his eyes. "He's in the University College Hospital in London." He was trying to keep his voice even, maintain his composure while talking to Dan's mother. 

"Oh, dear. We will be there in a few hours. Please, call me again if anything happens with him, okay?" Phil mumbles an affirmation. "He's my oldest son, and I know he thinks we don't love him, but we do. Please, take care of my boy."

"I'm sorry..." Phil's whole body began to shake, the tears taring through him. "I should have been there for him. I should have stayed home, and then he would have talked to me about this." 

"Oh love, no. There was no way you could have known. I don't know everything, or even anything about his life right now, but I know this. This is not your fault, dear. I'll be there soon, hang in there." Phil could hear the sadness in Mrs. Howell's voice, and that only made him feel worse. He's being selfish, Dan's own mom was just having to comfort him, when she herself could use some support. "Thank you for calling me." The line went dead. 

~

Phil's clothes were stained with Dan's blood. He washed his away as much blood from his skin as he could, but there was no hope for his white shirt. The receptionist told him that he should go home and change, but he refused to leave. He had been waiting for an hour with absolutely no word on Dan's condition.

Every time anyone opens to double doors that lead to the emergency wing of the building, Phil stands up hoping for it to be an update on his boyfriend. Every time he is left more and more worried. The longer he sits, the worse his anxiety becomes. Another hour passes in this way, before a doctor enters the waiting room. 

Phil lifts his head from his hands, where it has been residing for quiet a while. His back straightens and he waits to hear who the man is looking for. "Are you with Daniel Howell?" The man's voice was gravelly and deep. 

Phil rises to his feet, and walks to the doctor. "Phil Lester, Dan is my boyfriend." He reaches out to shake hands with the doctor. The man shook his hand, his eyes traveling over Phil's bloody appearance. 

"Mr. Lester, my name is Dr. Sanders. I have been working on Dan since he came in." Dr. Sanders was blond and had a sharp face shape. Phil couldn't take the time to process much about him except that this man, knows if Dan is alive. "Dan has exsanguination, which is just a big word for extreme blood loss." Phil felt a small weight lift from his chest at the present tense of the doctor's words. "I take it that you were the one who found him?"

Phil nods his head. "Yes. I was out, and when I got home he was... he was... like that." He wasn't sure when the tears stop or start anymore. 

"If you had been any later, Dan would have been at risk of severe hypovolemic shock. When you found him, he was in the beginning stages. If you hadn't come home when you did, Dan's chances of survival would have dropped substantially. We gave him a blood transfusion, and had to stitch some of his wounds on his wrists. Some of the cuts that he made were fairly deep, and one managed to nick the Radial artery, not enough for him to notice, but enough for him to lose enough blood quick enough for him to lose consciousness."

Phil could feel his knees give out. What could have prompted Dan to cut this much. "Is he awake? Can I see him?" Phil's voice was weak. 

"He is still unconscious, but his vitals are stable. You can see him, but with all the blood loss, there could be other effects of the lack of blood flow, but we won't know until he wakes up." The doctor flips through the heart that he is holding. "I'll lead you to his room." 

Phil nods, and follows the doctor down a long hallway. They turn into a room near the end of the hall. When the door opens, Phil's attention is directed to the middle of the room, where there is a large bed. There are monitors on either side of the bed, wires and tubes leading to the man laying in the bed. 

Dan was wearing one of those crappy hospital gowns, his brown hair curly and greasy, his eyes closed, thick bandages around both of his wrists, and some of his color has returned to his cheeks. There was a rhythm beeping sounding in the room, the mark of Dan's heart beating in his chest. The beeping is music to Phil's ears. 

Phil slowly makes his way into the room, seating himself in the crappy plastic chair on the right side of Dan's bed. He takes Dan's hand in his own and lets his tears fall freely. The doctor left the room without another word. 

"Dan..." Phil raised Dan's hand to his lips, placing a long kiss to his skin. "Why did you do this?" The beeping of Dan's heart monitor resounds as the only response. "I don't know what prompted this, but whatever it was must have been horrible. I am so sorry you had to go through that alone... I am so sorry I wasn't home to help you through this." Phil smoothes the hair on Dan's forehead. "Please just pull through this, and I promise you'll never have to be alone again. That's what your surprise was going to be... I was going to take you to dinner and tell you I never want to be without you.

"I was going to take you in my arms and tell you that I want you next to me in my life, always. I want to marry you, and have kids with you, and grow old with you. I never want to leave your side." Phil's thumb brushes over Dan's hand. "I love you so much, bear." Phil kisses Dan's hand again.

"That's my nickname for him." A female's voice fills the room. Phil's eyes shoot to the woman standing in the doorway. He could see the resemblance in her face, this was Dan's mother. "You must be Phil." 

Phil rises from his chair, not letting go of Dan's hand. "Yes, ma'am." Mrs. Howell looks over Dan's form in the bed, her eyes catching their joined hands, and then the bandages on both of Dan's wrists. 

The realization clicks into her head, but she chooses not to mention it. "How is he?" 

"He's stable. He lost too much blood, but I... found him before it got too serious. They gave him more blood, but there may be more problems that arise when he wakes up, but we won't know until he wakes up, and they don't know when that will be." Mrs. Howell made her way to the opposite side of the bed, grasping Dan's other hand in hers. 

"He's always been depressed. But I never thought he would be capable of this..." Phil saw then, what he hadn't noticed before then, her eyes were red and her makeup was smeared from crying. "I can't help but feel at fault for this..."

"How could you feel like this is your fault? You didn't know." 

Brown eyes, just like Dan's, met Phil's. "If me and my husband had reacted differently all those years ago, things would have gone differently for us. We didn't handle it well when he dropped out of University, and he closed off to us and Adrian. He wouldn't let us in, and we stopped trying." Her tears were coming quickly and constantly, "If I had tried harder..."

Phil walked around the bed, and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Dan is a stubborn man, even if you had tried harder, he wouldn't have let you in. When he makes up his mind, nothing can change it." 

Mrs. Howell's hand rested over Phil's. "He's always had you. Even before you met, you saved him. You saved him from us, and you saved him from himself."

"Now we have to wait and see if I saved him quick enough."


	19. Chapter 19

Mrs. Howell had finally realized that Phil was not going to leave the hospital. She had tried on more than one occasion to convince the man to go home, take a shower, change his clothes, and get some sleep. Every time, Phil refused. He still sat by Dan's side, the younger man's hand clutched in his own. 

"Phil, please. He wouldn't want this for you." Mrs. Howell's voice was filled with concern and admiration for the man's determination. "When he wakes up, he will have your head for not taking care of yourself."

"I appreciate your concern, but I can't. I can't leave him again. What if he wakes up when I'm gone, he has to know that I'm here for him." Phil's blue eyes were focused on the man in the bed, whose eyes are closed in a peaceful sleep, as though his life hadn't almost ended a few days ago. "If I go home, and he wakes up while I'm not here, he wont know how much I care."

"Of course he does, hon." She was pacing the room. Mrs. Howell does this a lot, pacing. It turns out that restlessness runs in the Howell family. Dan taps, and his mom paces. "But you're still wearing those bloody clothes, at least go take a shower and change clothes." 

Phil looked down at his attire. His white shirt brown from dried blood, his skinny jeans loose from constant wear. He runs a hand through his fringe, he can feel how thick his hair is with grease. He feels slimey, but he can't go back there. "I can't... His blood..."

Mrs. Howell stills her constant movement, and fixes her eyes on Phil. "Dear, was he in the bath when you found him?" Phil wasn't looking at her, but he could hear her shoes click on the floor, signaling her movement again. He felt a hand on his shoulder, and he finally tore his eyes away from Dan's form.

"He was laying on the bathroom floor." Mrs. Howell's brown eyes softened, as she could see it in his eyes. He was reliving the moment.

The entire scene replays in Phil's mind. Waking up in the morning and seeing Dan sleeping happily beside him. Searching the city for black roses, booking a car to drive them to their dinner. He remembers planning out every possible outcome for the talk he was going to have at said dinner. He remembers every detail in perfect clarity, entering the quiet flat, walking past the bathroom, not thinking twice while the love of his life lay bleeding on the floor. He remembers the roses leaving his hand and hitting the ground as he lunges for Dan's body, unsure if he is living or dead. He remembers calling +999, and talking to the operator. And he will never forget the fear in his whole being, as he was unsure if he was going to lose Dan.

These are the images that haunt Phil Lester at all times, and this is why he can't leave. He can't go back to the flat, where Dan's blood still stains the floor, where the blade sits on the ground in the pool of blood. He can't go back and relive the experience again, in even greater detail than what is constantly playing back in his head. 

"I'll send my husband to get you clothes, and we can call someone to clean up the blood." Mrs. Howell was already pulling out her phone to ring someone. "You can shower here, we will convince someone to let you. I would never make you see that again." She places the phone to her ear and begins relaying instructions to the person on the other end of the line, presumable Dan's father. 

~

About an hour later, Mr. Howell entered the room holding a duffle bag full of stuff. Clothes, a toothbrush, shoes, his Macbook, a few pairs on Dan's clothes, deodorant, and miscellaneous other items that Phil would need for a long time stay in the hospital. 

"Thank you, sir." Phil takes the bag from his hand, and begins shifting through the contents. He is surprised to see a small teddy bear in the bag, which Phil recognized immediately. It was the bear that Dan has had since birth. Dan had slept with it for the first 18 years of his life.

Phil places the bag on the ground, removing the bear in the process. He makes his way to Dan's side, and places the bear where Phil's own hand was setting moments ago. "He will have to protect you for just a few minutes." Phil grabs a few items from the bag, including clothes and shower supplies, and sets off to take a lightning fast shower. 

When he returns Dr. Sanders is in the room talking to Dan's mother and father. "Your son's vitals are completely stable. He appears to have made a full recovery physically." Mrs. Howell makes a small sob, and grabs her husbands hand. "It is very good news, but Daniel isn't out of the woods yet. We are still unaware of the mental state, which may have been hindered during the blood loss." Dr. Sanders opens the chart in front of him, reading a few hand written notes before continuing. "The good news, is that Daniel has brain activity, which means that he will wake up. We just don't know when, or with what symptoms."

The Howells said their thanks, and shook the doctor's hand as he turned to leave them alone again. Mr. and Mrs. Howell had been here for nearly 24 hours, meaning Dan has been hear for about 36 hours, with no real sign of waking up. Phil reclaims his place by Dan's side, replacing his hand in Dan's and moving the bear so that he was cradled in Dan's arm.

"Phil, we are going to go get something to eat, do you want us to bring you anything?" Mr. Howell's voice was deep and sharp. He spoke loudly and with intent. 

"Just a coffee. With milk and two sugars, please. Thank you." Mr. Howell nodded and the two left the room, leaving Phil and Dan alone again. 

Phil let himself rest his head on the side of Dan's hospital bed. He was exhausted from sleeping in this plastic chair for two nights. He refused to go anywhere else though, so he was content to be in pain. 

Phil turned his head to the side, looking at Dan from this angle was not something he did often, but even attached to all the tubes and monitors, Dan was beautiful. Phil took in his beauty and let himself stare for a few seconds. "I love you so much Dan."

Phil almost expected a response, but only got the beeping of the heart monitor in return. "Please wake up."

"He's never been good at following instructions." Phil lifted his head and turned it toward the boy in the door. Phil could have sworn that Dan had stepping into a time machine, and this was a younger version of Dan standing next to him, but since time travel has yet to be perfected, that had to have been Adrian Howell.

"No, he hasn't." Phil wasn't sure how to approach conversation with Dan's kid brother. Dan had told Phil a few things about his family, but most of his knowledge was that things were rough. "You must be Adrian. I'm Phil." Phil holds his hand out to Adrian, to which he promptly ignores.

"I know. My brother wouldn't shut up about you for most of my childhood." Adrian walked over to the chair opposite Phil's.

"Sorry..." Phil's eyes fell to his lap, he was not prepared for anyone to be hostile, and he wasn't sure he could handle it.

"Don't be. When he talked about you, was the only time he seemed happy." Adrian shrugged his shoulders like it was nothing. But it was something, or it was to Phil. "My brother's been through a lot, we all have."

"I know." Adrian raised his eye brows at Phil. "Dan told me a bit about everything that happened."

"But do you really know what happened?" Adrian's voice was almost a challenge. Test me, it was saying. Phil gestured for Adrian to continue. "When we were kids, Dan was my hero. I looked up to him so much, and I wanted to be just like him." Adrian's eyes shifted to the sleeping man in the bed. "He was my only brother, and my best friend. His eyes lit up when he talked about YouTube, different people he would watch on there, you. I could see the joy in his eyes, and that didn't happen a lot with Dan.

"Then he went to Uni, and everything went to shit. He had his first breakdown, and dropped out. I answered the door when he came home to tell mom and dad that he was moving back in, and I was so happy to see him, that I didn't even notice the pain in his eyes at the way mom was talking to him." Phil was listening to Adrian's story, hearing the words leave his mouth, but not looking toward him. His blue eyes were fixed on Dan.

"When dad got home from work, it all got worse. That's when I actually realized that they were angry. They told me to go to my room, so I did. But I could still hear the yelling. I heard every word from the living room, and I could hear the pain that Dan felt, but I couldn't do anything about it.

"That night was the first time Dan cut." Phil's eyes shot to meet Adrian's. His face clearly showing the shock he felt.

"You... You knew?" Phil's voice was quiet with the question. Adrian gave a small nod.

"I found the tissues in the trash, and I knew something was up. When I went to talk to him later, I saw the bandaid on his wrist. He wasn't good at hiding it, so I knew. Mom and Dad didn't, but I did. 

"I watched him from a distance after that, because he stopped letting me in. I would check the trash from bloody tissues regularly, I would count the bandaids, and when he was asleep some nights, I would look at his wrists." Phil didn't know when Adrian had grabbed Dan's other hand, but he had.

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" Phil didn't know who he would have told, or what they could have done, but if someone went to so much trouble to keep track of someone, wouldn't they do something about it?

"I know what you're thinking, and trust me. I wanted to tell someone. But I knew that he wouldn't ever let me back in if I did. He wouldn't let anyone in to help him anyways, so why would I ruin every last shred of relationship we had, just for nothing to get better?

"After he moved out, I watched his videos and live streams. Catching occasional glimpses of his wrists, looking for new marks, making sure his color looked good. I always watched, to make sure he was okay. Then he met you."

Phil's eyes widened, although he didn't say a word. "When he met you, and you two filmed that first video, I knew he was going to be okay. Your videos were the one thing that kept him sane before, so having you in person must have helped more.

"I don't know what prompted this episode, but I know that there was nothing you could have done to stop this one. He had done so well for a long time, so he was bound to free fall. Just next time, be ready to catch him?" Adrian released his brothers hand, and stood up from his chair. "I have to get to school." He was out the door before Phil could react properly. 

Dan had no idea that his brother knew these things, and Phil didn't doubt he would know soon. When Dan wakes up, Phil has so many important things to talk to him about. So many things.


	20. Chapter 20

Phil was becoming more and more aquatinted with Dan's family. Phil has spent the past two days in the hospital, sat across from any member of Dan's family, one of them in the room at all times. There were always two people by Dan's sides, Phil was always one of them.

Every few hours the nurse would enter the room, take Dan's vitals, ask the others if there was any change in Dan, and then the nurse would leave. All people in the room were on edge, the longer Dan was asleep, the more nervous Phil became about the possibility that Dan has brain damage.

Dan's heart monitor was the sound that Phil has grown to find comfort in. It may be a loud and obnoxious sound, but it was the sound of life in Dan. And without Dan's own voice to sooth the ache in Phil's chest, Phil needed something to latch onto. He had spent almost 3 whole days radio silent on the internet, and he knew the fans were starting to wonder what was up.

He pulled out his laptop and began scrolling through his mentions on twitter, seeing endless tweets from fans, and a few from friends. No one knew what was happening with Dan except for their families, and he was not about to tell the Phandom. If he told them, shit would hit the fan. Hard.

He typed up a simple tweet, and began editing a video that he and Dan had filmed about a week ago, another gaming video. He wanted to get something out to their subscribers, but editing on his Mac was proving to be a rather difficult task. He was cutting footage incorrectly, and layering sound effects funny. He spent hours sat next to Dan doing this, finally getting the hand of using a trackpad to edit.

In this video, they decided to play sims 4. They made a sim together and spent ages picking what he looked like and what he would wear. They planned it all together, and to be honest, it got really sappy. Almost like their sim was actually their son. They named him Dil Howelter, and he looked a lot like Dan. This was going to be the first video in a longer series of Lets Plays, and Phil was actually pretty excited about it.

He cut together different bits of character customization, and he was laughing at jokes that each man had made respectively. Their banter was quick and easy, and it was flowed really well. He pieced together the right footage, cutting out bits where they were a little too flirty, and leaving in a lot of laughter. He had to pause the video to laugh when they randomized Dil's sleepwear, and their sim now has to sleep in a clown suit.

He finished editing a few hours later, and begins exporting the video to YouTube. Once the video has uploaded, he starts scrolling through the comments. Most of them are encouraging, filled with excitement and love for Dan and Phil, but some were not as happy.

There were a few comments that were more negative. Some people didn't like the game choice some didn't like their banter, and some were just filled with hate for either of the two men. Phil didn't let the comments get to him, as he flipped over to Tumblr. He types 'Dan and Phil' into the search bar, and is instantly bombarded with screenshots from their video.

Damn, the Phandom works quickly. They had art, gifs, screenshots, and so much more already and it had only been minutes. He scrolled, liking art and reblogging a few exceptional works. He mindlessly scrolled through the tag for so long, that he didn't even notice that Dan's mum had left the room.

His chest sunk when he saw a text post.

'I cannot believe how many people are falling for this shit. Why the hell would someone as amazing as Phil choose to associate himself with a depressed piece of shit like Dan Howell? Can't any of you people see how toxic of a person Dan is? Why else does he have no friends, he drives them all away and ruins their lives. He's going to ruin Phil's life. I mean, look at them, they've already moved in together and started that shitty channel. Phil should be making advances in his career, not taking steps back and downgrading to Dan's level of garbage. Phil deserves so much better than Dan, as a friend, boyfriend, or person in general.'

The original poster had reblogged themselves, adding to the post.

'See this is what I am talking about. This sims shit isn't Phil quality work. I can't believe this. smh'

Phil couldn't believe his eyes. This was the most hateful thing Phil had ever read, and he got a sick feeling in his chest. He has no way of knowing when the original poster had posted this, but it had to have been after their first video. If Dan had seen this post... Phil had a sick feeling that Dan had seen it, and that's why he did this.

~

Phil didn't know when he had fallen asleep, he had been resting his eyes in the afternoon, and the next thing he knew he was waking up to movement. He opened his eyes and looked at his hand, where Dan's hand was still resting in his.

Phil could have sworn he felt something move, but it must have been a trick of his mind.

Then he felt Dan's hand move.

Phil's head shot up, looking at Dan's face. His eyes were still closed, but his head was turning from side to side. Phil slammed his hand on the blue button that situated itself on the side of the bed, calling for the nurse.

Phil's heart was soaring, and it felt like it was going to beat out of his chest. Dan's eyes were fluttering behind closed lids. He was waking up, after being asleep for so long. It was just Phil in the room with Dan, his family gone somewhere while Phil had slept.

Then Dan's eyes opened.

"Dan?" Phil's voice broke. He knew he sounded pathetic, and he could feel the tears welling up in his eyes. Dan's brown eyes focused on Phil's disheveled appearance. He had yet to say anything at all, eyes scanning around the room. His expression grew confused, taking in all the tubes and monitors attached to his body, then he looks at his bandaged wrists.

"Oh god..." Dan clenches Phil's hand tightly in his. Phil was weeping openly now. "Phil, I am so sorry." Dan's voice was raspy from nonuse.

Phil took Dan's face in his hands, and looked into his eyes. "I love you." Phil couldn't keep himself from saying it. He knows he should let the doctor see Dan, he knows he should make sure Dan's brain is okay, but he had to say it. "I almost lost you, and I don't know what I would have done. So, I love you." He kissed him. Long and hard on the mouth.

"Mr. Lest- Oh! He's awake!" The nurse was out of the room in a few seconds, running to find the doctor presumably. Phil pulled his face away from Dan's and looked into his eyes, there was nothing but love in his brown irises.

~

The doctor had checked Dan for different signs of brain damage, but everything seemed to come up clear. Dan's face was uneasy when his family entered the room. Dan's father had his mother wrapped in his arms, holding her as she cried tears of happiness. Adrian was standing beside them, looking on intently. Listening as the doctor questioned his brother, making sure to act unbothered, but Phil could see the relief on his face when Dr. Sanders told them that Dan was perfectly fine.

Dan was to stay in the hospital overnight to be monitored, then if all went well, he would be released the next day. Dan's family went back to the inn that they were staying in to rest before coming back the next day. They planned to help the two get back to the flat and make sure they were situated before they went back to their own home.

Phil stayed by Dan's side, never once leaving. Dan was given water and some mashed potatoes to eat, and the nurse told them to ring if they needed anything. She gave Phil a gentle pat on the shoulder and left the room.

Dan held Phil's hand with his right, while eating with his left hand. He hadn't said anything recently, but his mind was reeling. "Phil,"

Phil's eyes were already fixed on Dan's face. "I am so sorry that you had to see my like that. I know that must have been hard."

"Hard? Dan, that was the worst moment of my life." Dan's eyes shine with unshed tears. "I found you on the bathroom floor, surrounded in your own blood, a knife in your hand. You were unconscious. I didn't know if you were alive or not, and I have never known fear like that before."

Dan let Phil's words sink in. "Phil, I had no idea that it would get that bad."

"Every time you take a blade to your wrist you take that risk. You risk cutting too deep, or loosing too much blood, or getting an infection." Phil runs a hand over Dan's bandage. "I can't lose you."

"I'm sorry. I just read a comment that was too much. Someone was telling me that I was ruining your life, that I was holding you back. That if you tethered yourself to me, you wouldn't amount to anything... and I couldn't find any reason that they were wrong..." Dan's face was stained red, and his heart was pounding. He could feel the pain returning.

"I don't know why you would believe that shit. My life was going nowhere before you. And if I lost you, I wouldn't have a life at all." Phil was sitting beside Dan in the hospital bed, he raised his arm and wrapped it around Dan's shoulder. "You're everything to me. And no rude person on the internet will ever be able to see the full extent of our lives."

"You mean it?"

"Of course, you spoon. I love you."


	21. Chapter 21

"Okay, Mr. Howell. It looks like you're all clear and ready to get out of here. You're testing came back clear, so theres no reason for you to stay." Dr. Sanders was flipping through some more papers, checking the results of Dan's tests again, making sure there was nothing he missed. "Mr. Lester, make sure he gets plenty of fluids, and lots of rest. You'll need to check his bandages once a day, changing them if they get soiled." Phil was nodding along, making mental notes of the doctors instructions. "He has three sets of stitches on his right wrist, and one on his left. You'll have to come back in to see me in about two weeks to have those removed. But if anything out of the ordinary happens, please come back sooner." Dr. Sanders closes the chart, and places it back on the end of the bed.

"The nurse will be in to discharge you soon." With that, he leaves. It was just Dan, Phil, and Mrs. Howell at the moment. Mr. Howell was picking up Adrian from school, and would meet them at the flat around 5.

It was about 3pm by the time all the paperwork was filled out, and Dan was being wheeled out of the hospital, pushed in a wheelchair by Phil. He was finally wearing his own clothes, and not a flimsy hospital gown, which brought a new sense of peace to Phil. They loaded into an uber, which took them to their flat. 

The air smelled of bleach and soap. The bathroom floor was whiter than he had ever seen it, he wasn't sure who had cleaned the blood, but he was so glad that it wasn't still on his floor. The only remains of the incident, were the black roses, placed in a vase, and left on the kitchen counter. Whoever cleaned, must have decided they were worth saving, but the sight of them made Phil sick.

Seeing those roses, surrounded by Dan's blood. This symbol of love, tainted with destruction. He made a mental note to throw them out as soon as Dan's family left, he could throw a tantrum later, but for now, he had to keep it together. 

Mrs. Howell set Dan up in his filming room, neither man correcting her about their sleeping arrangements. "Thanks Mum." Mrs. Howell was going to great lengths to ensure Dan's comfort, when Phil knew that Dan would be content with his Mac and Phil's arms. But the older man decided to let that go, and let Dan's mom dote over her oldest son. 

Phil sat himself next to Dan on the bed, placing a chaste kiss to his forehead. "I'm going to take a shower. I'll be back shortly." Dan nods, and gives Phil's hand a small squeeze. 

Dan was alone with his mother now, a situation he hasn't been in for years. They sat in an awkward silence, Mrs. Howell seated at the foot of his bed. "Mum, you don't have to go to all this trouble." 

"You're my son. Of course I'm going to make sure you're comfortable." She hadn't looked at him, and instead was surveying the decor of the room. "This room is rather drab. It doesn't look lived in." 

Dan glanced around the room. She was right, There were nerdy decorations, and different things that he liked, but this wasn't the place he slept. "I keep it like this so that my subscribers don't ask too many questions." His voice sounded bored, even to himself.

"Don't lie to me." His mother's face was stone serious. She was looking him in his eyes, giving him a look that he hasn't seen in ages. 

"I don't sleep in here, okay?" He lowers his gaze, looking down at the black duvet. "Why do you even care about where I sleep? You haven't cared for years." His mother recoiled as though she had been slapped. 

"Do you really think I don't care?" Her expression softened, and her voice was quiet. Dan gave a shrug, attempting to act flippant, as though this conversation wasn't among the hardest of his life. "Daniel, you're my son. My oldest son. Of course I care. We all do."

"You've done a piss poor job of showing it." Dan's mutter was quiet enough that he was sure his mother hadn't heard him. He looks into her eyes, and sees the anger there. Okay, maybe she had heard him.

"You really think that?" Her voice was hard. He had done it now, and all he could do was take whatever she threw at him. "You haven't let me in. You haven't answered my calls or texts. You never tell me anything. I didn't know you moved to London until your brother, who you also haven't talked to in years, saw it online." She rose from the bed, she began pacing the room, his mother always paces. 

The last time he had seen her this mad, pacing and raised voice, was when he dropped out of uni. "You left us, you left without a word. One day I came home, and you were gone. You didn't tell us where you went, or if you were okay. Do you know how that felt?" Her voice was getting louder. More charged with emotion. "Daniel, we love you. We have always loved you. You abandoned us, not the other way around." 

Dan wished he could stand with her, meet her eyes, tower above her. He feels helpless in his current position, weak and small. "You told me that I was throwing away my life. You said I wouldn't make it on YouTube. You said that my dreams were unrealistic." 

"We wanted what was best for you. We had no idea that this would happen, that your YouTube career would take off. We wanted, we want, you to have the best life you can have." Mrs. Howell was pacing, arms tucked in tight to her chest, eyes fixed on the ground in front of her. 

"This is the best life I can have."

"You were just in the hospital!" Her feet come to an abrupt stop. Her body pivoting to the side to look him in the eye. The words that followed were quieter, still packed with emotion. "You were in the hospital, in a coma. And you put yourself there."

Dan couldn't let himself sit anymore. His legs were weak, and he was a little lightheaded, but he managed to get to his feet. He stumbled on the way up, and his mother lunged to stabilize him. "I know. What I did wasn't fair to you, any of you. You, Dad, or Adrian. Especially not Phil." His mother held him in her arms. He may be much taller than his mother, but she held him like he was still a child. "Cutting has always been my escape. It's been my coping mechanism since I dropped out of uni. When things got hard, I ran. I ran from you, and I ran from myself." 

His hands were on either of his mothers shoulders. "You didn't have to run from us. We may not have seen eye to eye back then, but we never stopped caring about you, or the things you loved." Dan felt a hand on his shoulder, his head turning to see who the hand belonged to.

"We watched you rise to fame, proud of everything you have done." His father and brother were stood in the doorway. "You have shown us time and time again that we were wrong all those years ago." Mr. Howell matched Dan in height, something that Dan was used to from his childhood. What shocked Dan was Adrian was getting close to his height too. He was getting taller and taller, and it was shocking. 

"We should have supported you all those years ago, we should have been there for you, giving you encouragement instead of criticism. Maybe things would have been different." Mrs. Howell was crying, maybe it was having everyone here, maybe it was the talk they were having, maybe it was everything from the past few days. 

"I think it was bound to happen. I was selfish and angsty. It was all my fault. I pushed you all away, and I ruined our relationship." He could feel it all again. All the loneliness and emotions he has been repressing since that night. Everything he pushed away and pretended not to feel. 

"Dan, nothing could ruin us. We are family, and nothing can tear us apart." It was Adrian who joined in this time. Making sure his view was told.

Dad didn't used to cry, he stopped doing that a long time ago. Until recently, he hadn't cried since he left home. Now he let all those pent up tears fall. He let his weight rest on his mother, who struggled to keep standing, so they sunk to the ground. 

Mrs. Howell's arms were wrapped completely around her oldest son's body. Dan's arms wrapped around her waist. His face was tucked into her shoulder, tears wetting her shirt. Dan felt more arms wrapped around him, his fathers strong embrace, his chest pressed to Dan's back, with his hands resting on his mother's back. Adrian was quick to join the hug. Placing himself in Dan's arms, between Dan and Mrs. Howell. 

They were all wrapped around each other, none of them were completely aware of where their limbs ended and the others began, but it was all okay, because they were together, and no one could keep them apart. "I love you guys." Dan's voice was muffled by his brother's hair and his mother's shoulder. 

"Stop breathing in my ear." Laughter filled the room. Dan ruffled his little brother's hair and breathed heavily into his ear. His brother swatted his hand away, laughing and grumbling at one time. 

Mr. and Mrs. Howell looked fondly at their little family, their two sons safe in their arms. Now that they had their oldest son back, they weren't going to let him go, and Dan was content to stay.


	22. Chapter 22

Dan was recovering well. He was regaining his coloring, and his bandages were gone. His stitches were going to be removed in about a week, he was feeling a lot better. Phil was glad to have Dan back by his side. Phil spent the past week making sure Dan was resting, eating, drinking, and healing. 

Things have been so crazy that they haven't filmed or done live shows, and they have been almost radio silent on the internet. Their fans were starting to get antsy, and they needed to do something about it. So they filmed a new gaming video. They decided to play Minecraft, since neither of them had ever played before, it may be fun to play for the first time on their channel. 

Dan made sure to wear a jumper with long sleeves, so that no one could see his stitches. The video starts off strong, with them immediately dying because their character spawned in water. They messed with the controls for so long, having played for 20 minutes before they accidentally broke a block. Once they figured that out, they played for a little while longer before deciding to be done. 

Dan quickly edits it all together, while Phil makes dinner. "It's exporting!" Dan's voice could be heard from the office, while Phil puts the finishing touches on the Stir Fry dinner they are having. "Do you want to see it before I make it public?" Dan was standing behind him now, his arms snaking around Phil's waist. 

"No, I trust you." Phil continues to stir the food, but turns his head slightly in order to place a kiss to Dan's lips. "Go make it public and then we'll eat." 

Dan's lips are kissing up and down Phil's neck. "Hmm... Okay." He places one more kiss to the place where Phil's shoulder and neck meet, and he goes back upstairs. Phil gathers eating utensils and sets them up on the dining table upstairs. 

By the time Dan has the video ready to go, the food is already on the table, and Phil is seated waiting for Dan. A smile finds it way onto Dan's face, looking at the man he loves. He takes his seat in the Orange chair, seated around the corner to the chair Phil currently occupies, which is the blue one. The two men eat their dinner, discussing which Anime they should start watching tonight. Their conversation was comfortable and easy, as it tends to be for the two of them. 

When they finish eating, they clean up together. Placing dishes into the dishwasher, and putting left overs in the fridge. After they have finished cleaning up, they check up to see how their new gaming video was doing. They had plenty of views and likes, the overall response was rather positive. Phil took to the twittersphere and Dan scrolled through Tumblr.

Phil was liking tweets and replies, and Dan was gauging the general Tumblr audience reaction. One thing immediately caught Dan's eye on Tumblr. Apparently, at one point in the video, Dan's stitches were visible. Not easily, but they were there. This, in itself, wasn't a huge deal, but apparently a fan had seen them leave the hospital, and snapped a blurry photo of it. It wasn't easy to see, but it was definitely them.

"Phil? It looks like we may have a small problem." Phil looks his way. Dan turns the laptop toward Phil, letting Phil see the photo. 

Phil nods, acknowledging the issue. "Yeah, that may be a problem."

"What should we do?" Dan doesn't want to Phandom to know the truth of the incident, but he doesn't want to lie to them either. 

"Nothing." Phil shrugs.

"Nothing?" 

"Why would we waste time trying to explain this away? Regardless of what we say, they will think what they want to think anyways." Phil's voice was matter of fact. "So why bother?"

Dan decided Phil was right. No matter what, there will always be theories to anything they do, so why not make this one of them. Why not let them wonder about one more thing. The Phandom already gets so much of their lives, why give them any more than they need to. 

~

"I just remembered something." Dan was talking over the TV. They were watching the newest season of Steven Universe together, and Phil was so invested. He paused the show, in order to focus wholly on his boyfriend. "You never told me what that surprise was."

Phil was shocked, he had honestly forgot about the dinner, and the talk he was planning. Most of all, he forgot that Dan didn't know anything about it. "Oh yeah. I bought you black roses, and booked a table at a fancy restaurant."

"Phil, that's amazing. You bought black roses?" Phil nods, trying to block out the image of those roses covered in blood. He is sure those images would haunt him for the rest of his life. 

"Yeah, I wanted them to be something I knew you would like. I actually could hear your words when I bought them. That's how I knew you would like them." Phil chuckled at the memory. 

"Why the fancy dinner plans? Anything special planned?" Phil knew he wanted to talk to Dan about the future, but he didn't expect it to be in their living room, on the couch. But what better way to describe their relationship, right?

"Well, kinda..." Phil hesitated. Unsure of how to start this conversation. Dan gestured for him to continue. "Look, Dan. If there is one thing I have learned from this relationship, its that life is hard with you." Dan's face fell, hurt covering his features. This was not where he wanted this to go. "But life without you, is unbearable." Dan's face looked confused. 

"I didn't realize how much I need you in my life, until I almost lost you forever. Dan, you're my best friend, the love of my life, and the only person I trust with every part of me. I knew that before you were in the hospital, but there was something about seeing you in that hospital bed, that I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I want to be with you forever." Dan was staring, Phil could see he wanted to say something, but Phil keeps talking before Dan has the chance to speak.

"I want you to meet my family. I want to bring you to Machester, and have dinner with my Mum, Dad, Brother, and Sister-in-law. I want them to meet you, and get to know you like I have. I want them to see how much you mean to me." Phil was rambling, and couldn't seem to stop. "I want to wake up with you in my arms every morning, and I want you to be there with me through every birthday, every Christmas, and every holiday in general. I never want to be without you."

Phil takes a breathe. Letting himself take some time to reorganize his thoughts. Dan starts talking. "Phil, I want you in my life too. I am so sorry for putting you through that. You had to find me, sitting on the floor. No one has ever seen me at my lowest before, and you came away from it, still loving me."

"I could never not love you. You scared the shit out of me, thats for sure, but I do love you. More than anything. And I want to be with you forever, I want you by my side forever."

"Phil Lester, you're not proposing are you?" Dan looks terrified. Not that he wouldn't say yes, but he didn't want Phil to propose just because he was scared of losing him.

"No, not yet. I don't doubt that will come someday, but for now, no. Maybe just a promise." Phil didn't elaborate. 

Dan quirks up an eyebrow. "A promise?" 

"I promise to never leave you. I promise to always be there for you when you are feeling extra existential." Dan smiles at that. "I promise to never watch ahead of you in an Anime. I promise to hold your hand whenever you want. And I promise that I will always laugh at your terrible jokes."

"This is so fucking cheesy." Dan's words convey skepticism, but his smile gives away his true feelings. "I promise that I will always tell you when you have food in your teeth, or when you have a fringe gap. I promise to never stop finding you adorable, even when you are old and wrinkly, you know, in like 6 months."

"Hey! It's eight months!" Phil was laughing, and Dan was smirking, but both men were taking this moment very seriously. More seriously than they would ever admit.

"I promise to show you every cute dog photo I ever see."

"I promise to send you so many sloth videos."

They were taking turns now, and Dan was running out of funny promises. "I promise to read you funny phanfiction."

"I promise to kiss you whenever I feel like it." Phil was getting sappy, and he couldn't help it.

"I promise to hold you when you cry." Phil's emotion was infectious, Dan could feel himself getting more and more sentimental.

"I promise to love you forever, if you'll let me..." This was the one that made Phil nervous. He was worried that Dan wouldn't want that.

"I promise to let you." Phil couldn't hold himself back anymore. He took Dan into his arms and kissed him. He kissed him longer and deeper than he had ever kissed him. This was their first proper kiss since Dan being in the hospital, and Phil couldn't help himself.

Phil let his hands wander, running them over Dan's back and resting them on his hips. He began kissing down Dan's neck, his lips finding the spot where his neck and shoulder connect, a very sensitive spot of Dan. Dan lets out a light moan, to which Phil nips at the spot. Causing Dan to squirm. 

"Hey, Phil."

"Hmm?" Phil hums into Dan's neck. The vibrations causing pleasure to Dan.

"Do you... wanna, maybe..." Phil raises his head, quirking an eyebrow in question.

"Are you sure?" Phil didn't want to pressure Dan to do anything he didn't want, but he wanted this more than anything. Lets be real, its been a long time, and Phil could use some... relief.

"We literally just promised to be together forever, yes I'm sure." 

~

They were laying in bed, wrapped in each others arms. Both breathless and sticky, and so filled with bliss. "Should we tell our fans?"

"What, that we just had sex?" Phil was making a joke, but his voice portrayed genuine confusion.

"No, dummy. That we're together." Dan didn't want to tell them, but he figured they deserved to know.

"I think they already know." Phil's fingers were in Dan's hair, running through soft curls.

"Well they suspect, but they don't know." 

"They'll figure it out eventually. Even if we don't tell them." Phil placed a kiss to Dan's forehead. 

"You're probably right." Dan's cheek was resting on Phil's bare chest. He felt nothing but love in his heart for the man underneath him.


	23. Epilogue

~Five Years Later~

Confetti and screaming. That's all that either man can comprehend at this moment.

The two men had just finished their final performance of their tour, The Amazing Tour Is Not On Fire. They were at the Dolby theatre in America, having just wrapped up their closing number, The Internet is Here. There were thousands of people screaming their names, as a large microwave behind them spells out the words 'The End' in cat whiskers.

It was everything they ever hoped it would be. They toured around the world, preforming a show that they created, that perfectly captured everything about themselves and their time together on YouTube. 

There was something about the world these two have created, 'The World Of Dan and Phil', that really resinated with people. People looked up to them for some reason or another. Maybe because they were nerdy, maybe because they were such good friends, maybe because they had gone through so many things that a normal teen would experience. Dan and Phil could never really place it, but when they look out at all these people, who came from all over, just to see them on stage, they knew they did something right. 

Somehow, they managed to pull their lives together, and make a difference to all of these people. Creating content for their fans has been their full time job for years, being silly and filtering their whole lives have been to provide these people with something to look forward to. They created this whole stage show, just for their fans, they created the whole thing so that they could meet them and show them how much they appreciate them. 

Dan and Phil may never meet all of their fans, and don't stand a chance at remembering each and every one of them, but there is one thing that is for sure; Dan and Phil love their fans so much. Without their fans, they would be nowhere. Phil would work with movies, probably, and who knows what Dan would be doing, definitely not law, but it would be nothing compared to their lives now.

If it wasn't for their fans, they never would have met. Sure, they started talking because of their own choices, but their fans had a huge impact on their development. Without fans, neither of them would have still been on YouTube when they met. A fan had to have made the quiz that matched them. Fans are what keep them going on the internet. 

So this was for them. All of them. This performance was recorded to be posted as a movie later online, for the people who couldn't make it out to see it live. There was special merch and events just for this tour, and they were blown away by the overwhelming number of people who came out to see them. 

There were so many people who wore their shirts, with llama hats and flower crowns, whiskers donning their faces. People outside the hall, before and after the show, singing original songs, sharing stories, taking pictures, and bonding... Over them. It was all so incredible.

The two men exit the stage through the giant microwave, and give one final bow, that can be seen through the screen, and they bid adieu to their tour.

This tour has taken up so much time of their lives the past two years. They began planning it when they decided to write a book. They have worked nonstop for ages to make it perfect, make it something worth seeing. TATINOF was something they have dedicated so much time to, and they were sad to see it go. 

The only other thing that has encompassed this much as their time, was their daughter. 

Cornelia was watching her during this show, while Martyn maned the Dan and Phil shop. The two men were sitting in their dressing room, removing their make-up and drying their sweat when Cornelia entered the room, a small bundle of blankets in her arms. 

Dan quickly abandoned his task to retrieve the small bundle of joy. He held his daughter in his arms, looking down at her beautiful face. She had his nose, and his brown curly hair, and -even though it isn't possible- he swears she has Phil's eyes. 

Emily was biologically Dan's daughter, as the two men decided when planning to hire a surrogate. Their baby girl was only a few weeks old, still just a helpless being, thrown into the crazy lives of two men on tour. They debated for a long time if now was a good time to become parents, but they decided that they wanted to start their family, so they planned for her to be born in a months time, but she decided she was impatient.

Emily wanted to experience life on tour, so she came a little early. Dan and Phil couldn't be happier with their baby girl. They loved her more than life itself, and almost called the end of their tour off, because of her early arrival. In the end, they decided that they couldn't do that to their fans. 

Dan and Phil can't wait to take their baby girl home to London, to the nursery they set up in their new apartment, and get her settled in to their new lives. 

Dan gazed lovingly down at his little girl, while she sleeps soundlessly in his arms. Phil's arms snake around Dan's shoulders, looking at their daughter. He places a kiss to Dan's temple, and reaches into Dan's left pocket. He pulls out a small gold ring, and places it back on Dan's left ring finger, right where it belongs. 

Phil places his large hand over his baby's hair, and leans his head into his husbands shoulder. "Sometimes I wonder what our lives would be like if we hadn't met when we did." Emily roused from her sleep at the sound of her Papa's voice. Her blue eyes looking up at her parents.

"I don't care. I am happy just the way we are." Dan's boops Emily's nose with his index finger, eliciting a giggle from the small girl.

"Me too."


	24. Bonus Epilogue

"I haven't done one of these in ages, have I?" The chat was going insane, YouNow hasn't been popular for years, but Phil couldn't help but come back here, for this show. He had wanted to have another live show, although it had been ages since he had done one. He and Dan stopped doing regular live shows when they went on tour, and when they got back, had never restarted. "Wow, my eyes don't move fast enough to read the chat anymore." His eyes flash quickly bouncing from chat to chat, not able to read any one statement. "Maybe I could get Dan to come help me."

Dan, who had been sitting next to Phil on the lounge sofa, slid into frame. "Hello internet." The chat broke. It froze completely, and then all the comments loaded at once, flashing so quickly there was no hope. "It's been a while since we did anything live, hasn't it? A good two years?"

"I think so." Phil was trying to remember the last live broadcast they did, and couldn't come up with an example. "Sadie in the chat asks, 'Why the sudden live show?'" 

"Well Sadie, we missed you guys. We still post on our channels, but we haven't really interacted in a while, and we want to get back into that." So much love filled the chat. 

Their fans. The Phandom. Still alive and well, even though Dan and Phil's content has stayed sporadic, and even gotten worse, now that they have a toddler to care for. They missed their fans, and it was obvious their fans missed them.

Phil looked to Dan, searching for the silent confirmation to continue. The real reason they decided to do this live show. Dan gave a small nod. It was time. "We wanted to explain."

"And give a formal apology, for nearly disappearing." Dan's voice soft for once. 

Phil gripped Dan's hand out of view of the camera. The gold bands sitting comfortably on their fingers. "We are so sorry for being so distant lately. Because we owe everything to you."

"Without you guys, we wouldn't have met." Dan could feel the tears welling in his eyes, and they hadn't even gotten to the hard part yet. "I was depressed, for the majority of my life. I was sad and alone, and felt like I had no one. I won't get into the specifics, but Phil helped me."

"And Dan helped me. I once said that there was no point to a life of fame if all you did was sit at home and watch anime alone." Dan's chuckle filled the room at Phil's words. "Turns out, all I needed was someone to watch anime with me." He smiled at Dan. In front of them all, without restraint. 

"Phil saved my life, and helped me make things right with my family." Dan's thumb brushed over Phil's hand. They were ignoring the chat, knowing that what was happening in this moment was causing a complete uproar, and they needed this moment.

Phil brushed a single tear from his eye, using his free hand to do so. "And Dan gave me a family of my own." 

"I'm sure you all have a load of questions, so we will answer a few premium messages right now, since there is no way in hell I can read the chat." Dan used the trackpad to select a message from Angelina. "Angelina would like to know why we are so sentimental. Phil, do you wanna take this one?" Dan motioned over his shoulder to the other room, Phil knew exactly what Dan was getting at, he nodded.

As Dan left the shot, Phil began, "Well, Angelina. We are feeling a bit sentimental, because our baby girl is turning two years old today." He knew what the chat was going to consist of, so he didn't even look. "Guys, Dan and I want to introduce you to Emily." 

Dan reentered the stream, a beautiful toddler in his arms. She had Phil's old lion gripped in her tiny hand, one fist rubbing her sleep filled blue eyes. Her head of brown curls rested on the shoulder of her dad. "Emily, say hi to your Papa's subscribers." Dan took a gentle hold on Emily's arm, and waved her hand. 

"She just woke up from a nap, so she is still a bit sleepy guys." Dan's eyes scanned the chat and he had to chuckle. Even after all this time, people still didn't know he and Phil were together. "We will do a official Get to Know Emily video soon, but we wanted you guys to see her here first."

"Our lives have never been private, but she is our best kept secret. We are letting you guys into her life, please don't make us regret it." Phil's protective Papa voice was beginning to show. 

Dan idly played with Emily while Phil signed off of the stream, saying goodbye to their fans. Promising to be back next week, for another live show. Phil closed his laptop and leaned back, taking his husband and daughter into his arms. He placed a kiss to the top of Emily's head, and rested his cheek on Dan's neck. 

"I hope that wasn't a mistake." Dan's voice was full of concern. Concern for their daughter, and this wonderful life they have been working toward. 

Phil ran a reassuring hand up Dan's arm. "We talked about this. We missed our fans. We missed making content. We wanted that back."

"I know, but bringing Emily into it?"

"If we didn't we would have to go back to hiding. We wouldn't be able to do anything live, incase she started crying or needed us. We didn't want her to miss a big part of our lives." Dan's sigh was enough to relieve some of the pressure off Phil's chest. They made the right call.

"I guess we will have to see how it plays out." 

"Yes we will." Phil placed a kiss to Dan's cheek. "I love you."

"I know." And they laughed.

~

New video from AmazingPhil: Phil is not on fire 8 (Now featuring EMILY)

Dan didn't know how it had happened, but he had it all. A loving husband. A beautiful daughter. His subscribers. He was making content more frequently now then he ever had before, possibly because he didn't have anything to hide.

Dan was happy. He wouldn't want his life any other way, but there was something in him that wondered. He wondered what would have happened if he and Phil met at a different time. Or if they hadn't met at all. No. They would have met, there isn't a single doubt in his mind they would have met, but what if it was some other circumstance?

He would like to think he and Phil would still be happy. No matter how they had done anything else in their live. He knew, as long as Dan and Phil had each other, they were unstoppable. 

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it huh? The end of a road. My heart is kinda sad about it to be honest. I have loved writing this story so much, and I really don't want it to end. But it has to.
> 
> I plan to write different stories, so if you liked this story or my writing style, you can follow me if you want, or not, your call.
> 
> Thank you to all of my readers, you all made this worth it. I am so thankful for you guys for keeping my spirits up while I wrote, you're all amazing and I can't explain how much it means to me for those of you who started way back at the beginning. Thank you.
> 
> All my love,
> 
> Amber 🖤


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